Sunday, January 23, 2011

The Sham Wow Bible

It seems to me that more and more people are using the Bible to prove their beliefs and politics by changing around the context and meaning to fit their purposes.  This is called "proof-texting."  Many years ago I saw a skit about just such thinking, and it inspired this.  It is not that hard to imagine the following commercial...

Hi.  Vince here for the Sham Wow Bible, the latest in electronic scripture technology and the greates invention since the Slap Chop.  I want to talk to you today about the world's most important subject- YOU!  God thinks you are so cute He just can't take his eye off of you. He wants to give you success, money and power (over your friends!).  He wants you to be important!  And now thanks to an amazing discovery at our laboratory in Germany (and you know the Germans always make great stuff) we are able to bring you the world's first truly personal electronic bible.  Now, for the first time, your daily bread is a piece of cake!  And what makes the Sham Wow Bible so special?  Easy!  It's the first electronic bible with an editing system.

Here's how it works.  Just pick a passage and enter it in your Sham Wow Bible.  Let's say you choose John 3:16- "For God so loved the world that..."  Then you just hit the patented SWB edit button.  Replace all of the parts that don't really matter to you.  Then enter your own personal promises from God.  From now on, God will have to do what you tell him to- because it's in the bible! 

You'll be amazed at what you can do to God's word- and so will He!  Just listen to a few examples:
For God so loved the world that...He gave a Hummer to the Jacksons!
If someone strikes you on one cheek...pull out your Glock and open fire.  It's self-defense!
Thou shalt not steal...unless it's illegal downloads of music and movies.  Or from work. Or from people who are richer than you.

There you are.  No more convictions, no more rebukes.  Just life with God the way you intended it to be.  Can't stop sinning or just plain old don't want to?  Make it a virtue!  It's all there in your Sham Wow Bible- or at least it soon will be!  Get your new Sham Wow Bible at Wal-Mart or other stores that just don't care.  Void where prohibited by God.

Followers of Jesus don't get to pick and choose which teachings to adhere to and which ones to ignore.  We must deal with all of scripture.  We must make sense of a talking donkey, of a Savior who scribbles on the ground for no apparent reason, of a drunken Noah- and of a God who sacrificed His Son to wipe away our sins.  Jesus didn't say "Take up your cross...and hand it to Steve!"  He said we had to carry it in order to follow Him.  No editing allowed.  And in order to know the real scripture, you must read the real scripture.  Anything else is a sham.  Wow...

Because of Jesus,


  1. Anonymous1/23/2011

    Absolutely hysterical- and far too true!

  2. Anonymous1/23/2011

    I can't beleive you don't have 100 comments on this one, dude. So funny and thought provoking. Keep writing! -Lance


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