Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Friday, May 27, 2016

Flashback Friday: Don't Pee On the Electric Fence

With Memorial Day coming up and summer just around the bend, my thoughts often turn to my glory days in youth ministry. Today I remember wisdom learned while serving as a summer camp counselor at Quaker Lake Camp between 1977-1983. This post first appeared in 2011. May the wisdom imparted on this Flashback Friday change your life the way it did mine...

Quaker Lake Staff, around 1981...I think...
Since the dawn of time (or so it seems) campers and staff at Quaker Lake Camp in Climax (Yes, that's really the name of the little town. Imagine working there as a college student then going back to school in the Fall and telling all of your friends that you spent the entire summer in Climax. Crass, I know- but that joke never got old...) NC have gathered on Sunday nights during the summer for the dreaded Orientation. This 6 hour meeting (OK, not really- but it often seemed like it) was a a time for meeting the staff, going over schedules and activities, and for learning safety procedures. All of it was necessary to ensure a smooth week of camp. But only the safety procedures made the staff laugh...


Campers were told to beware of lightning and to get away from water and take refuge in buildings. Good advice- except in my early years the cabins were mostly metal screens, which when wet were not exactly safe havens from the storms. But that was better than the "What to do in case of a tornado" instructions. Because the buildings would have offered no resistance to high winds in those days, had there ever been (and thank God there wasn't) a tornado we were to go the nearest ditch and lie down in it. Get low. Also get wet (the ditches were all by the lake and always full of skunky water) and quite possibly snake bitten. Personally, I would have headed for the concrete block outhouse and taken my chances. And finally, there was a discussion of what to do in case of a fire. Neal Thomas, camp director during my years as a camper and staff member, was also a volunteer fireman. He knew his stuff. And every week he would tell us all that in case of a fire anywhere at camp, we should all report to the softball field- a large grassy area located between the pool and crafts hut. Neal would barely get those words out of his mouth when someone- usually a camper, occasionally a smart-mouthed staff member- would pose the obvious question. "Neal- what if the softball field is on fire?" And we would all laugh hysterically. It's not a stupid question- it's just that we heard it every week. But even with going over all of those safety procedures each and every week, not once did anyone ever tell the boy campers not to pee on the electric fence...


A quick explanation- as I think has been mentioned before, behind the boy's cabins was a cow pasture. Separating the cows from the camp was a barbed wire fence with a small electric charge running through it. Campers were never told about the fence, because there was no need for them to go anywhere near it. Well...only one reason.


It was a dark, spooky 25 yard walk from the boy's cabins to the boy's bath house- even farther from my home in Cabin #4. If a camper woke up in the middle of the night and needed to use the restroom, it was a daunting task to go by yourself. Some went anyway. Many a camper just held it the rest of the night. A few would try to go right outside the cabin- but you could hear them, so it wasn't very sneaky. I even caught one kid trying to pee through a hole in the wooden floor of our cabin. But an unlucky few went out behind the cabin- far enough away to urinate in peace, but not nearly as far as the outhouse. There was just one problem with that location. As Mr. Wizard or Bill Nye the Science Guy would tell you, water conducts electricity- and so does pee. When these young fellows would let it flow behind the cabin, they often hit the electric fence. The charge would run up the stream to their body- to one specific appendage- and give them quite a shock! :) It wasn't enough to really hurt them, but it was plenty of juice to wake them up and elicit a good scream. And of course, break the cabin counselors into hysterical laughter. It was a long summer. You found entertainment anywhere you could!


Quaker Lake has undergone a great deal of renovation  and remodeling over the past decade, and I doubt seriously that the electric fence has been "live" in a very long time. But in a world full of advice on how to stay safe and how to avoid injury, I wish to put into writing a policy that should have been handed down many years ago. Don't pee on the electric fence. Words to live by...


Because of Jesus,

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

The 'Stache is Talking Trash

'Stache Stunt Double
As many of you are aware, today is Carl's birthday. He deserves a day off from writing, so I -his Moustache- have taken over the blog for this Tuesday. You may be surprised that a moustache can have a life of its own and can write, or you may be among those who have suspected all along that I have special powers. In any case, today is my day to shine! You may also recall that this is the final day of the ridiculous contest in which Carl has allowed you to have control of my destiny in order to raise money for our beloved Lisa Jewett. I say "our beloved" because she (just like Marilyn, who has kept me safe for many years!) was steadfastly opposed to anything that might cause me to disappear from Carl's face- so of course I love her too! Despite my trepidation, I have been proud to risk my life so that we could raise money for her battle with ovarian cancer- because #CancerSucks. Carl's readers have been very generous, and we thank you. But here, on the final day of voting to Save It or Shave It (and with me being the IT in question!), there are a few things that need to be said. This 'stache is about to talk some trash!

It is clear from the voting so far that the ladies love me, and who can blame them? My powers are mystical, but very real. The money raised to save me has turned the voting into a landslide (although some as yet unclaimed votes from a very generous anonymous voter- and the Gastler family- could change all that) without a single female voting for my demise. Apparently, you gotta' love the 'stache! Most of you have no idea what Carl would look like without me, and that scares you. I get that. As Carl Semmler wrote, who would pay to see MORE of this guy's face?  Todd Willis voted to shave me out of sheer curiosity, and I get that as well. But those of you who want me gone are failing. At midnight tonight, unless you have a comeback of epic proportions, my future will be secure. So I taunt you! This is your once chance to kiss me goodbye, and you are blowing it. Can you imagine your joy at watching a video of a professional putting Carl in a chair and sending me to oblivion? It's all slipping away, isn't it? You under-estimated the power of the 'stache- and now it's desperation time for all the haters!


Want to shut me up? Then click the link provided and go visit Lisa's Go Fund Me page, donate and vote! Every $5 you donate earns one vote, and $100 doubles your total and gives you 40 votes to use against me. So far readers of this blog have given over $900 to the cause; that's awesome, but we are greedy. We want more! I mentioned that it is Carl's birthday, and he has repeatedly said that what he wants most as a gift to him is for people to give to Lisa. That's sweet and all, but I have another challenge for you. Give today, on this final day of the contest, and vote to shut me up! I dare ya. It'll take several hundred dollars of giving for the Shave It! votes to catch up, but if you do it you can watch me go bye-bye. You can do something wonderful and disappoint the women in my life all at the same time. But I don't think it will happen, because the 'stache lovers out there can give as well. I'd love to see a bidding war, a fight to the finish- because we'd love to see those donation totals soar today.

So donate, vote and wish Carl a Happy Birthday! Then tune in tomorrow for the big announcement. I'm not worried about my future. In fact, I'm planning my next move. Just like Pinky & the Brain, Carl and I are planning to take over the world! You should Fear the 'Stache!!!

Moose

Monday, September 28, 2015

The Great Moustache Debate

As our dear friend Lisa Jewett continues her battle with cancer she is recovering from her last chemo treatment at our home. She's hanging in there; this time has not been quite as bad as the first so far. Prayers are always appreciated. And we are still trying to raise some money for her in the following bizarre way- my moustache is for sale!!! 

To make a bit more sense of today's challenge you may also want to read these posts...

The fate of my 35 year old moustache is still very much in doubt. As of this morning, Save It held a one vote lead over Shave It, meaning that between now and October 6th every $5 counts! Last Friday my son Will pleaded with you to vote for eradicating the 'stache in the name of everything holy. Today, I present opinions from two old friends who disagree with him. One is rational and well thought out. The other is Carl Semmler's. Carl said via email that he cannot understand how anyone could consider paying money to actually see MORE of my face. While I appreciate his desire to help save the moustache, as well as the truth behind his thought, his reasoning was quite hurtful. But that's OK, because Lisa likes his brother better! 

The second plea to save the 'stache comes from my good friend Teresa Tysinger. Teresa is a gifted writer who has used her talents to sway your opinion today- and to get you go to donate and vote! She speaks the truth...

Cancer isn't funny. It's not polite, well mannered, considerate, or even endearingly sarcastic. It sucks. But you know what doesn't suck? What cancer can't take away? Our desire and ability to rally together to fight. And we're not going to be polite, well mannered, considerate, or endearingly sarcastic on the battlefield. We're going to throw everything we've got at it and tell it to go pick on someone its own size. Cancer might not be funny, but our tactics can be. Carl is willing to auction off his mustache. That's pretty funny. He wants my take on it...my vote. 

The verdict? I'll make my donation to Lisa's Go Fund Me page, joined with my prayers for her complete healing, as a vote WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGAINST Carl doing away with the 'stache. Carl with no mustache is like imagining your grandma without her teeth. A hot dog without chili and slaw. Or one of those frightening furless cats. Let's be real. No one thinks they're cute. Carl's 'stache is part of his M.O. In a game of Guess Who? he's "Male with a Mustache." He's a member of an elite team, standing alongside Groucho Marx, Ron Burgundy, Burt Reynolds and Magnum P.I. Carl without his mustache is just...wrong. 

Do your part. First...give to Lisa's Go Fund Me page because you hate cancer and its rude ways. Give because you want Lisa to know she's not alone in her fight. Then, give in honor of unfortunately bald upper lips everywhere exposed unjustly in a moment of insanity. Fight cancer. And save the 'stache.  ~T.T.

How can you argue with such logic? I'd like to thank Teresa and acknowledge Carl for putting forth a defense of my moustache. (BTW- you may have noticed the 2 different spelling of the word- moustache & mustache. Teresa's is the common USAmerican version while "moustache" is the accepted British spelling. I'm just classy like like that!) But now comes the serious part, where you all give and vote. Do you stand with the 'stache, or are you like my good buddy Todd Willis who wants to see it GONE because his curiosity got he best of him? Only 9 days left to vote. Cast yours today!!!

Thursday, September 3, 2015

In Student Ministry, the Small Things Matter

I'm spending today with Lisa Jewett as she takes her first chemo treatment. Prayers are appreciated.


It is hard to believe that for 28 years hundreds of students chose to share their lives with the insane man shown dancing at a 60's Revival Night at TNT (Springfield Friends Meeting) in the early 1990's. But they did. Over the years of my ministry there were many big events and earth-shaking moments that I have written about in the pages of this blog. Today I want to take a look back at 10 moments that were perhaps a little more "under the radar," but that were significant to me. They made me laugh, cry or scream- or sometimes all three! In no particular order, here they are:

10)  Now Batting for Jesus-  For many years, beginning in the 1970's at New Garden Friends Meeting, I had been involved with youth groups leading Easter Sunrise services.  In 1995 we continued that tradition when the youth group led the service down by the lakefront in Kissimmee. We had a skit planned in which Matt Wheeler was to play Jesus. It was one of those years when daylight savings time began on Easter Sunday, and Matt didn't wake up in time. We had to "pinch hit" for Jesus at the last moment...and I am pretty sure we struck out!!!
9)  Cursing for Christmas-  One year around 1980 the youth group from New Garden went Christmas caroling. With us was a young woman named Pam, who attended a different school than any of the rest of kids and often felt a bit excluded. Pam had a gorgeous singing voice, and so trying to help her "fit in" I asked her to lead the singing. Pam had new retainer in her mouth that she was still adjusting to wearing, and it gave some words a slight slur. When we sang the holiday classic Silver Bells things got a little dicey. It sounded to all the world like she was singing, "It's Christmas time in the shi**y" instead of "in the city." We all had a great laugh, including Pam, and it was her welcome to the youth group moment. She went on to become one of that group's real leaders. Another case of an OOPS leading to something good.
8)  "Wuv...Twue Wuv"-  I cannot express how much it meant to me when Nate Hill and Amber Herrick came to me and asked me to officiate their weddings, years after I had been their youth pastor. It was two different weddings- they didn't marry each other...that would have just been weird!  :)  I also was blessed to do the service for Ken Jewett, and then in later years for Kathryn Martin and Jennifer Gastler. Such an honor.
7)  I Hear That A Lot-  A young woman came into my office at the Union Church of Hinsdale in 2000, crying and distraught. She was 16, had just wrecked her car for the third time, and daddy was refusing to buy her a THIRD new Porsche. I didn't need Toto to tell me I wasn't in Kansas anymore...
6)  SURPRISE!-  At the request of their parents, I helped put together surprise 16th birthday parties for best friends Heather Beggs and Keri Vinson in the youth room at Springfield Friends Meeting. The parties were just months apart and involved a lot of the same people, yet somehow they were both surprises. I loved being involved in the lives of the students I served. I will never forget that Heather's birthday is August 25th. She only gave us 18 months of weekly notices leading up to her 16th!
5)  Wet 'N' Wild-  Another Easter Sunrise in Kissimmee, another daylight savings time fiasco. The city forgot to reset the timers on the automatic sprinklers by the lakefront gazebo, and they came on during our service.  A mass baptism was held that day...
4)  Hide, It's the Cops!-  One more Easter Sunrise story, this one from Tampa. For reasons I never understood (for once the OOPS was not mine!), we decided to have the youth Praise Band play at an outdoor service in front of the church at 7 AM. It was great for passing traffic to see; it was not so great for the sleeping neighbors to hear. The police stopped by to inform of us of the complaints. We lived next door to the church, and I think one of the calls was from Marilyn...
3)  More Weddings-  I was privileged to sing in a number of weddings over the years, including those of former youth and co-workers. To Ken & GillyHolly & MarkMatt & KristinMike & RebeccaDebbie & TommyBeth & BobClaudia and all the others- thank you for letting me be a part of your special day. And for those whose weddings I was able to attend, thank you for the invitations.  It was always a "lump in my throat" kind of feeling to see friends beginning a new chapter of life.
2)  We Found A Friend-  While I was visiting Kissimmee from Chicago the week after attending Lisa Kraus's wedding, Amber Herrick called me about she and Chrissy Weaver coming by my motel to see me. I asked if my other "Angel," Lauren Carr, might also be coming. Amber said there had been a falling out (one of hundreds!) between them and they hadn't spoken in a while. When they stopped by a bit later, Lauren was with them.  It was so cool that they had reconnected over my visit. We then walked across the highway to Friendly's and had an amazing visit, with a conversation I will never forget. No matter how hard I try...   :)
1)  Every Single Time-  Each time one of my students, parents or co-workers came into my office to talk to me about life, it was a sacred moment for me. There are many stories to tell, but I will not tell them, because they were often deeply personal and intense. They were sometimes scary. Many times they were hilarious (Once in Tampa both the male and the female in a high school relationship came to me separately. They both wanted to break up.  Neither knew how to do it without "hurting" the other.  I could not make this stuff up!). But no matter the topic or the reason for the visit, each time anyone trusted me enough to come to me with their joys and concerns, I felt humbled and honored. And no matter how many big trips and huge events I was a part of, it was those moments that are closest to my soul as a servant of God. I just hope my prayers were of more use than the little bits of wisdom I had. And I am so glad that many still know that I am here if you need me. As the Stellar Kart song says, "remember you've got me and Jesus..."  And thank God it's mostly Jesus!

Because of Jesus,

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Nearly Wordless Wednesday


I asked God for a sign. I should have been more specific...
Because some days ya just have to laugh!



Friday, July 17, 2015

Remembering the Youth Ministry Hotline


Greetings and Salutations (or as they say in NC, "Howdy Ya'll!) out there in Blog World and welcome to another Flashback Friday edition of Carl's blog! Today, kiddies, we are going to take a trip in the Wayback Machine, all the way back to 1988. Think back to this time, before many people had home computers, before churches had websites, before cell phones and before online social networking sites. Even in those dark days, we still had to communicate with one another- and we often did it with this thing called a telephone.

After the epiphany about more active summers and better communication I received at the 1987 NYWC, I had spent much of my time in the following months working on ways to let my youth and their families know what was going on in our ministry at Springfield Friends Meeting. I had improved the monthly newsletters, sent out more postcards, and put up more bulletin boards in the facility. This all culminated in the summer of '88 with the publication of my first Summer Ministries Booklet and the introduction of the Youth Group Hotline. The concept of the Hotline was not new. The idea was to have a separate phone line with an answering machine (get Grandpa to explain that contraption to ya!) attached where people could call and receive information on youth events. But I wanted to take the idea to another level. I found an answering machine with a 1 minute message tape, and advertised that the message would change every day! And from June of 1988 (887-8366 at Springfield) until March of 2000 (847-XLAX in Kissimmee-"get a new message every day that will really MOVE you...") I did just that- at least most every day. It was much more than just information- it was entertainment, it was interactive, and it was a great means of connecting with students. Here are just a few of the things that happened on the Hotline over the years:
  • Al Sleet, Hippy-Dippy Youth Leader-  Stolen from a George Carlin character, Al sounded a little stoned, and delivered the youth news along with great lines like "The forecast for tonight is dark...continued mostly dark tonight, ending in widely scattered light tomorrow." Al was a favorite for years.
  • Chicken Man-  With his famous cry of "He's everywhere, he's everywhere," Chicken Man's heroic tales (as told by me, the narrator) would always include some of the youth and the upcoming events in our program. He was a weekly character for years.
  • The Student Spotlight-  Once a week I would highlight one of our youth, giving true facts and some humorous stories- or facts I would just make up! "Bob's favorite subject is basket weaving; he loves football and chinese checkers; and his hobbies include eating cheesecake and knitting sweaters for senior citizens."
  • Contests-  There were all kinds of contests designed to get kids to call in and leave messages, and they did. I would publish the contests in our newsletter and get them hooked on calling.  They were having fun and hearing what we were up to as a ministry- hmmm this idea just might work...
  • The DJ-  I would play a corny AM-radio style disk jockey, giving the youth news and singing songs like Carlin's One Last Pimple (I've got one last pimple from going steady with you, don't know whether to break it or leave it alone, it's the only one I call my own...") and Put Your Hand In the Fan ("Put your hand in the fan and you could lose a finger.  Put your foot in the fan and you could lose a toe.  Put your face in the fan and you will look at others differently, put your body in the fan and alter your anatomy!"). Always a favorite.
  • Top 10 Lists-  I would do lists about our ministry, about events, and about individual youth. I would also borrow directly from the master, David Letterman!
  • Mocking Culture- From time to time I would latch on to something that was huge in the youth culture and make fun of it in various ways. For instance, during the Titanic craze of 1997 I introduced a recurring character named Leonardo Decappuchinobreath to torture all of the young women who were madly in love with Leo. I had so much fun with this one...
The Hotline accomplished everything I ever hoped it would until it was replaced by the website. It fostered communication and contact with the youth I served, and helped eliminate moments like a youth walking in and asking when the Atlanta trip was going to be, only to be told we had just returned the day before! And websites, as great as they are, cannot replace the intimacy of hearing the excited voice of a youth responding to your work and the upcoming events. It was just one of the many ways we used to try to help connect students to our ministry, and hopefully, to Jesus. And by the way- even with this "new" computer technology, comments are still appreciated!  :) 

Because of Jesus,

Saturday, July 4, 2015

A July 4th Disney MadDash!

My Grandpa Jones used to tell me "if it ain't broke, don't fix it!" With that in mind I once again share my very favorite July 4th story. Enjoy, and Happy Independence Day!!!


In July of 1993 my parents were spending the week of the 4th at Walt Disney World. Marilyn and I drove down from North Carolina to spend a few days with them at Disney's Caribbean Beach Resort. On the day of the 4th we made our way over to the Disney/MGM Studios (now Disney's Hollywood Studios, at least until they change the name AGAIN) to spend the day. This being in the days before the Tower of Terror or the Rock 'N' Rollercoaster, MGM was easily the least crowded of the three existing parks (Animal Kingdom was still several years from opening) and we often went there on the most crowded days. My parents headed over to their favorite place, EPCOT, by early afternoon and so we were on our own as evening approached. Before I continue, there are a few things you need to know about my wife and I in 1993. We were much younger. We were childless. We spent most of our time hanging out with teenagers in my role as a youth pastor- so we were more than a little nuts. All of these things came into play as we hatched a plan for seeing fireworks at Walt Disney World that night. But in the end, the entire operation was contingent on our knowledge and use of the WDW transportation system. And excuse my bragging, but we knew our stuff...

We decided that we wanted to see fireworks at all 3 parks- that night! On the surface, this seemed impossible. Seeing Sorcery in the Sky (still my all-time favorite WDW fireworks show) at the Studios at 9 PM was no problem. Next would be Illuminations at EPCOT at 10 PM.  We positioned ourselves to make a quick getaway from the MGM, then caught one of the shuttle boats from there to Disney's Yacht & Beach Club Resort. We ran to the "back door" (International Gateway) of EPCOT and secured a place on the bridge between the United Kingdom pavilion and France. We even had a few minutes to spare. As we waited for the next show, we could look back towards the Studios and see their "extra" 4th of July fireworks. A few moments later, Illuminations began. As always it was spectacular.

That's when our quest to see fireworks at all 3 parks got interesting, and our knowledge of Disney transportation became a valuable asset. We bolted out the "back door" of EPCOT and walked briskly over the the Beach Club, where we caught a bus to the Magic Kingdom, hoping to see the midnight fireworks extravaganza there. It looked like we were going to make it with time to spare....until. The MK night parade (I believe it was SpectroMagic at the time) had just completed its 11 PM run, and thousands of people were leaving the park just as we were trying to get in. If you've ever tried to go against the flow through the MK entrance tunnels at a major departure time, then you feel my pain. If not, it is like trying to drive the wrong way on an Atlanta interstate during rush hour. We feared for our lives. Between the crush of people and the crazed, exhausted moms driving strollers full of screaming babies right over us, it's a miracle we survived. But we did. And we got out onto Main Street just in time to watch one more glorious fireworks show. Three parks. Three fireworks shows. One night. We were pretty proud of ourselves!

So that's my story. I'm glad we did it- mostly so we don't have to do anything like that ever again! But it did make for one amazing night. Happy Independence Day to all. Tonight I will be taking a nap so I will have the energy to walk out my front door and watch the neighbors shoot off Roman Candles.  Yeah...getting old...

"Enjoy every sandwich"

Thursday, May 28, 2015

#TBT: Living In the Wild, Wild West!

For many of you this post will make no sense- and that's ok!  Just think of it as an experiment in time travel. It's a Throwback Thursday, and we're headed all the way back to around 1867, when the west was wild and rough and tumble men drank hard and fought harder. And then there were these two...

Welcome to the Rose of Cimarron Saloon



Dutch Jones & Dusty Semmler, Proprietors  

Not sure when this was taken, but pretty sure it was somewhere in downtown Myrtle Gulch. Not sure why it was taken, but you have to admit- the 'staches look good! But don't be fooled- if you're cheatin' at cards these tough hombres will gun you down in the blink of an eye. So come on in and have a beer or a sasparilly, dance with a pretty girl (as long as the Dutch & Dusty say it's ok) or listen to Gabby tickle the ivories while Miss Kitty serenades you. Ladies, flirting with the owners is encouraged! You men just behave yourselves and we'll all get along fine- and no one will get shot. There are always good times at The Rose of Cimarron Saloon! Re-opening September 9th in Ocean Isle for a limited engagement! Now serving nachos!!!

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

So Now What?

When we moved to Kissimmee in 1994, Marilyn and I were away from family for the and friends for really the first time as a couple. We were starting over in many ways, and after putting boxes and furniture in the house it was time to get serious about what to do first in my new role as Director of Youth Ministries at FUMC-K. I had received letters from some of the youth and the adult volunteers welcoming me and indicating some of their hopes and expectations of me. These letters were written at youth group on March 20, 1994- about one month before my arrival. Most of these letters were encouraging and sounded as if the students were excited to have a new youth pastor on the way,  Others...well they certainly made me think. Here are a few direct quotes (yes I still have the letters; go ahead and laugh!) from the kid's letters. Names have been withheld to save any embarrassment (but those of you from FUMC-K are welcome to guess!).
  • "We look forward to your coming with much anxiety...I am not sure what changes you have planned."
  • "My favorite hobby is to start fires.  I hate cats and every time I see one I have no choice but to kill the animal.  I hope you are not a bug collector."
  • "I need to talk to you about me the day you get here April 14th."
  • "Brace yourself.  HA HA HA...you don't know what you are jumping into."  (This letter included a sketch of a man jumping off of a diving board into an empty swimming pool-  such encouragement!)
  • "Everyone here is excited you are coming.  I myself am not over enthusiastic, but I am glad someone is coming..."
If the youth letters left me feeling a bit nervous about getting started, the letters from the adults made it clear that the task was daunting and the expectations were high. Those thoughts were made even clearer by a survey I had sent to volunteers who were working with the group in advance of my coming. I had asked five questions of them. I wanted to know the strengths of the group;  the weaknesses; the primary needs, or where I needed to start; how they saw themselves fitting in; and finally, what had summer programs been like in the past. Over and over again I read that the strength was the closeness and commitment of the students who were involved, except for the few who found that closeness was translating into cliques. But now there were many less than had been there just a few years before, and people found that depressing. Having had three leaders in two years, with me being number four, had left everyone a bit staggered. The words that kept coming up were leadership and stability. The good news was I would have lots of help; one writer told me that some Sunday evenings there were more adults than students at youth group. The bad news was that there were more adults...

My normal approach would have been to work my way in slowly, seeing what was working and what needed to be changed. After reading the letters and surveys and praying about it, I knew I needed to come in with the cannons firing. This was a ministry anchored in the past;  both the glorious past of huge crowds and strong leadership, and the more recent past of failure and abandonment. It was time to go forward and to do it with great energy. Fortunately, summer was only 6 weeks away, and I knew I could show them leadership and energy like they had seldom seen before. The survey responses indicated that summers had been pretty basic in years past, with a mission trip and what they called "Breakaways" to lake homes or houses with pools on Sunday afternoons. At least five of the surveys stated that "anything I planned would be OK." I had to laugh. They had no idea who they were dealing with...YET!  They were hoping for a slice of good pizza. That summer they would get the entire pie! Sometimes first steps need to be baby steps- and sometimes you just have go whole hog! Youth Ministry was never dull. Never!

Because of Jesus,

Saturday, May 23, 2015

The Parable of the Grape

Jesus told some amazing stories. This is clearly not one of his...


Once there was a head. It was just a Head- it had no body, no arms, no legs, no feet. It was simply a Head. This Head felt left out in a world full of bodies. It was often sad and quite lonely. Day after day the Head would roll to work, roll to lunch and roll home. Each day the Head would look longingly at the woman who worked at the desk next to his, but he could never work up the courage to speak to her- because who would want to talk to a Head? Finally, late one night in the darkness of his bedroom, the Head could no longer contain his agony. He cried out, "God, please help me. I want to be different than the way you made me. I want to be ANYTHING but a Head!" God heard his cry, and when he looked in the mirror the next morning he was amazed to discover he was no longer just a Head. He had transformed into a Grape.

He was thrilled. "Now I can really do something with my life," he thought as he rolled out his front door, "because everyone loves grapes." He decided to roll to the house of the woman from work and ask her out. He bumped against her door until she answered. She opened the door, but seeing as how she had legs and he did not, she looked out over the top of the Grape and did not see him. She retreated into her home. The Grape, however, refused to be denied. He again rolled up against the door until she responded. This time she opened the door, and again seeing nothing, stepped out the door to look around. As she did, she stepped directly on our hero- and squashed him into a tiny grape flavored puddle. The End

So many times we spend our lives wishing God had made us differently. We want to be better looking. We wish our personalities were different. We want different gifts. Pro athletes long to be musicians; musicians want to actors; all of us desire to be significant. It is an endless cycle. We forget the words of Psalm 8 which tell us that "God made us a little lower than the angels and placed a crown of glory and honor on our heads." In the words of the old southern evangelists, "God don't make no junk." I try each day to pray for God to use me just as I am- flawed in so many ways- so I may serve God and do the things He created me to do. Perhaps we should quit praying for God to "make us special" and simply be the people we were created to be. Want to feel special? You were made by God. It doesn't get more special than that...

By the way, this parable (as most parables do) has a moral. And here it is. Ready? Quit while you're a head.   :)  

Because of Jesus,

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Throwback Thursday: Springfield's 1991 Myrtle Beach Trip

Stacy finds yet another camera to pose for!
Today's Throwback Thursday trip takes us back to my glorious years (1986-1994) at Springfield Friends Meeting. In the summer of 1991 we took a group of students to North Myrtle Beach, SC. We stayed at a house called The Spinnaker (the Betsy B was booked) for a week. As always I brought along my trusty video camera- a Magnavox about the size of your average 50 pound TV camera. And as usual, I was having too much fun to worry about actually taping anything! Finally, on our last full day, I broke out the camera in the morning and shot for most of the morning. What you are about to read is a blog I wrote while watching that video in 2010. It was a hoot! It should be mentioned that the following is rated PG!  Here we go...

* We open on Jon Moran's temporary dragon tattoo purchased at the Pavilion the night before. Jon addresses the camera and says "I will now attempt to eat a whole box of Fruity Pebbles." It was our own little cliffhanger- stay tuned to see if he was successful!
* Stacy Gilbreth, Natalie Whitaker, Holly HarwardCharles Freedle and Ben Moran are on the oceanfront porch, watching the action on the beach as Led Zeppelin plays in the background. Stacy wants me to film some guy named Marcus, who is not with our group but who is "really cute." I refuse and harass her. Good times...
* Jennifer Simmons discusses forgetting her swim suit on a beach trip, and also how"gross" she looks. Marilyn suggests that she wear Stacy's "flowery bra" and that no one would notice. Jennifer responds by telling the camera her sister Amy looks gross too...Amy, now pictured, is not amused. 
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...K-E-L-L-Y!!!


* A group of us wake up Kelly Allen by invading her bedroom and singing her the "Kelly, Kelly, Kelly" song from the TV show Cheers. She is also not amused.
* Avis (a friend of Jennifer Woods whose last name I have forgotten) threatens to expose herself again (A note of explanation: Avis had lost her bikini top in a wave on our first day, exposing what the kids came to call "her flippers."  Yes, this stuff really happens...) but does not.
* Shon Hildreth, Ion Hildreth, Noel Cecil and Donald Fleischman are on the porch now, listening to Guns and Roses and bothering Holly and Nat in what can only be considered an awful attempt at flirting. A moment later Journey is playing. The soundtrack to this video rocks!
* Holly, Nat, Jennifer and Stacy are walking on the beach in front of the house and screaming my name, wanting me to film them. I do briefly, but then we hear the voice of Charles in the background saying "don't get that." He then tells me to focus on two other girls walking the beach, and he yells at them "Hey ladies!  WAVE!" And they do...
* Ryan Simmons and Steven McGrath make a brief appearance, but say nothing.
* Wendy Mattocks and Kelly, sitting in a chair on the first floor, tell the following joke: "What's green and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?  A 4-door pickle!!!" I taught them that joke...it's my own fault! 
The legendary Charles Freedle

* Charles and Mike Mercadante (who has just gotten up) have tattoos, too. Jon has indeed finished the entire box of Fruity PebblesTom Petty is now playing in the background. I love this trip!
* Kelly begins to tell us the story of being awakened earlier, then realizes if anyone is actually ever watching the tape, they have already seen that happen. She also tells of how we forgot to awaken her stuffed animal Yolanda, who apparently had fallen into a crack.
* Stacy takes this opportunity to once again tell us that her raft has a hole in one of the seams. And just as she has the entire week, she does this by reporting "there's a hole in my crack." Ah yes- these are my people!
* Josie (again, the last name escapes me- all I can think of is & the Pussycats and I know that is not it!), Natalie and Holly give us a tour of their room. Clothes and hair spray are everywhere! I threaten to condemn the place...
* Wendy and Kelly have changed floors but are still sitting in a chair just like the one before. Jennifer Wood has now joined them. They begin telling jokes, and then Stacy (who seems to be everywhere the camera is) tells a classic: "What do you get when you play a country song backwards?  You get your wife back, your dog back and your truck fixed!" 
Woodhead & Wendy!


* Wendy remarks that Jennifer Wood, dressed all in green, looks like a pickle. This prompts Natalie to tell the exact same pickle joke as before. We all try to act surprised. 
* Kelly brings out Yolanda, and a lengthy discussion ensues over whether this creature is a dog or a bunny. Someone even suggest a bear. Kelly swears it is a bunny. I suggest it is a "Dunny," to which Kelly replies "Yes... I mean NOOOOOO!" 
* Marie Allen is finally awake...
* Jon, Charles, Mike and Bryan Dowling emerge from their room, looking suspicious. Mike and Charles are wearing Speedos, and they proceed to run around the building. Mike has dollar bills tucked in his. As they run back into their room, Charles shouts "Well I never!" I respond "Well maybe you should!" Jimmy Buffet plays as the camera fades to static...
* One final scene- the next morning, everyone is banging pots and pans trying to wake everyone else up.  Jon, Mike, Charles and BD sleep through it all.

That's it. I missed filming the devotions, the singing on the porch, Black Thursday and all kinds of other excitement. I seem to remember sitting up one night and trying to count all of the "Na-na-na-na-na's" in the Journey song Loving, Touching and Squeezing. Every trip offers so many memorable moments. The video did capture the feeling of community and the love that we all had for each other, even if only for one day. I hope you enjoyed this flashback- I sure did! 

Because of Jesus,

Thursday, April 16, 2015

The Wonders of Gravy


Welcome to post #3 in my very random ongoing series Things I Believe (and you probably don't)! The first two post were related to church and theology, and therefore quite serious. This one is a bit more whimsical. But that doesn't mean I believe it any less- or that any fewer of you will take issue with my stance! In fact, this post is dedicated to my friend Lisa Jewett, who thinks Gravy in any form is disgusting. So let's get started!

The word Gravy means different things to different people. For many folks it is a brown, watery substance often served with pork or with turkey and dressing at Thanksgiving. For others it is simply the juice from any cooked meat, thickened up a bit and poured over mashed potatoes or bread. I have Italian friends who call marinara sauce Gravy, because they serve it over almost everything they eat. Some people treat ketchup like it's gravy; Buddy the Elf used maple syrup in a similar manner. But while I enjoy all of these different forms of Gravy, it is my belief that all pale in comparison to the one, true GravyI'm talking about breakfast gravy, white gravy, sausage gravy, sawmill gravy, southern gravy- whatever you call it, it is one of the great culinary creations of all-time! It is wonderful with biscuits (by the way- if you can still see the biscuit, you need more gravy!); it is a marvel on country fried steak or chicken; it brings out the true spirit of mashed potatoes; and it ROCKS on eggs and hash-brown casserole! I believe that it should join mustard and ketchup as standard condiments on the table at most every restaurant. And not just for breakfast. Sausage Gravy makes pretty much everything but dessert better. And it makes for pretty good eatin' straight out of the bowl too. Now that I have revealed a bit of my Carolina-bred, redneck southern nature, I am craving Cracker Barrel, where it's ALWAYS breakfast! Ahhhh...the good stuff!

And one word of warning- Gravy that comes from a bottle or a can, or gravy that was made more than 24 hours ahead of time is no longer gravy and is not covered under this post. That just needed to be said...

Sunday, April 12, 2015

What Is Your Image of God?

Inspired by the work of Curt Cloninger...

It has long been clear to me that how we picture God has a tremendous impact on our faith. Whether it be through bad teaching, bad theology or simple misunderstanding, many of us see God as having attributes that simply do not exist. We talk about the "God of the Old Testament" as if God has a split personality, failing to realize that Jesus is the New Covenant who changed everything. This is crucial, because the way we view God influences the way we think God views us. Take a look at the list below and see if any of these "personas" of God have ever found their way into your thinking...

God as Darth Vader - Do what God tells you to do and everything will be cool. Lose one rebel ship because it jumped to light speed and feel the cold hand of doom on your shoulder. God does not like failures...
God as Genie - Your wish is God's command! Some people call this prayer, but we all know it's all about telling God what you need want and waiting for Him to deliver. Plus, there is none of that silly 3 wish limit stuff!
God as Judge Judy - Break a law and you will pay. There will no mercy for law breakers, especially if it happens to be one of the Top 10. If God catches you coveting your neighbor's key lime pie, you might as well pack your bags for hell...
God as Grumpy Old Man - God is not actually in control of things anymore. He just sits in the recliner and complains about the state of things on earth and how no one listens to Him anymore. Occasionally yells at the young folks to "Get off my lawn!"  
God as Bartender - God is always there to listen, to ease your pain, and to give you a little something to take the edge off. But He's not really gonna' do anything about it.
God as Cosmic Killjoy - Does something look like fun? Then God doesn't like it. He wants you to be solemn and miserable. Everything that sounds like a good time must be against His rules. That's why soccer, rap & disco succeeded- absolutely nothing fun about those things.  :)
God as Financial Advisor - We should give freely to our churches and TV evangelists, not because we want to give back to God but because if we do He will make us wealthy beyond our wildest dreams!  So you don't forget, order your autographed Last Supper Menu before midnight tonight and you will be blessed!
God as Life of the Party - You hang with God, and life will be all sunshine and parties. No sadness, no struggles and no worrying about people who might need your help. God will keep you smiling and smelling good!

Do any of those sound familiar to you? Or do you have your very own view of God? Before you answer, here's one more I left out...

God as Loving Parent - Need to be held accountable? God can do that. Need someone to lean on when the world has got you down? God is always there. Need to be convicted of your sins? He's the One for the job. Need to be loved unconditionally? God is the ONLY one who will do that.  In John 15:14-15  Jesus says, "You are my friends if you do what I command.  I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends..." The great worship band Delirious expressed it like this: "What a friend I've found, closer than a brother. It would break our hearts to ever lose each other...Jesus, friend forever." God came to us in human form so that we would know how much he loves us- and that's what the Jesus Revolution is all about. You want to know how much he cares about you? Read Luke 12:6-7. He knows everything about you and loves you more than you can imagine. The almighty creator of the universe (YAHWEH) loves us like a daddy (ABBA). How amazing is that...

So let me ask you again- How do you view God?

Because of Jesus,

Friday, April 10, 2015

Flashback Friday: "Have you got a match?"


Every April with the start of baseball season this story comes to mind and the horror is fresh all over again. I've shared it here before; it's here again today as a great Flashback Friday blast from the past. Enjoy!

In April of 1982 I was working at New Garden Friends Meeting, and we had some great things going on in the ministry. Lots of students were attending, Donna Haynes and I were exploring all kinds of new programs and events, and we had just claimed (not won, but claimed!) victory at the annual North Carolina Yearly Meeting Field Day at Quaker Lake. It was in this atmosphere of success that I planned a quick trip to Atlanta to see a Braves games for myself and a few of our high school guys. It would be a most memorable weekend.

There were signs all along the way that this would be an unusual event. First of all, the Braves, pitiful for so long, had begun the season with 13 straight wins, a major league record. We would see their 14th game. Since there were 6 of us going, my car was not large enough, so I borrowed a station wagon from some parents of the youth, Loy and Connie Newby. As we left Greensboro and began the trek down I-85, we were excited and loud, a regular car full of regular young men. Somewhere in South Carolina we found a radio station that was doing a unique event. It was a song challenge. They would play 2 songs to battle each other, and then a third song while people called in their votes. This being WAY before cell phones, we couldn't vote, but it was fun to listen. The winning song would then be give another competitor and played again. After a few rounds of this, the AC/DC song Highway to Hell became the champion. And then it won again. And again. And again! We soon grew sick of the song (it finally lost to the Beatles!) but we realized then and there this trip had a theme, and it was not a good one! Entering Georgia, we stopped at a truck stop for gas and several of us decided to try a Nehi Peach Soda, which may have been the most disgusting thing I have ever tried to drink, and remember, I was a youth pastor and was used to disgusting things! But finally, we arrived in Atlanta.

After checking in at our hotel, a Ramada Inn (I think) across from Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium, we headed over for the game. It was exciting to be there when the crowd was actually thinking the Braves could win. We settled in and watched as the Braves lost for the first time that year. Bob Horner hit a home run for the Braves, but I missed it while standing in line for food. More signs- but we still didn't see them. As we left the game it was still light out, so we decided to walk up and visit the golden dome of the Georgia state capitol building which was just up the street.

I should tell you a little about the group. Marshall Ratledge, later to become a Quaker Lake legend himself; Danny and Darek Newby (whose parents loaned me the car), who were both black belts in some sort of martial arts; Jimmy Hale, a golfer; Bruce Reynolds, football player and track star; and myself made up our merry band. We were all dressed in classic preppy, and we headed into downtown Atlanta on foot absolutely clueless of what we were about to encounter. As we started down the sidewalk we had came to a group of young men who were standing on corner, and smiled as we came to them. One of them stepped out and asked if we had a match. None of us were smokers, but we felt in our pockets and acted disappointed that we could not help out. We then continued on. We saw the dome, and were not impressed, so we started back to the hotel, now walking the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street. As we reached the bridge over I-20 and started across, we began to hear voices yelling. We looked across the street, and it was our friends who wanted a match. I could here one of them yelling "6 on 6! Come on, 6 on 6!" In my coolest leader voice I said to the guys "just ignore them and keep walking." Then the first glass beer bottle hit near us and shattered, and, still being cool, I said "pick up the pace." As more more bottles hit, and finally a plastic flask full of liquor, I very calmly shouted "RUN!!!!" As we sprinted up the slight hill towards a stop light where a policeman was directing traffic, three very interesting things were happening. They had come to our side of the street, but weren't really chasing us. We were sprinting, and I was in FRONT, meaning I was out-running our track star Bruce! And finally, as I counted heads, I kept getting 5, when there were in fact 6 of us! I looked back to see that Darek was not running. He was very calmly walking behind us. When we all reached the corner, we hurried to tell the police officer the whole story. He just starred at me. After lecturing me for walking downtown in the early evening in a city where gangs ruled, he then cut to the chase. "A match" he informed us, "is gang talk for a fight. When they were yelling 6 on 6 they were calling you out. When you walked by them and checked your pockets for a real match, they took that as a sign of disrespect. Now go back to your hotel and DO NOT leave it again tonight!"  We did just that. After arriving in our rooms, we locked every lock we could find, and then began talking trash about how we could have beaten them...to ourselves, of course! We also began to question what good it was two have 2 black belts with us if they were not going to protect us. What could have been a real disaster turned into a memory I will never forget, and I suspect they won't either. I have been to Atlanta with groups many times since, and I never fail to tell the story of the night the 6 preppies almost got in a gang fight!

On the trip back we only had one major incident. We were filling the gas tank when the automatic shut off on the pump failed, and we pumped a few gallons of gas all over the car and the parking lot. All in all, we survived the "highway to hell" and lived to tell about it. And as with many other youth trips over the years, this shared history became a cornerstone of our relationships.  And our relationships with each other lead to a better understanding of our relationship with God.

I suppose there should be a moral to this story, so here it is: NEVER drink Nehi Peach Soda!


Because of Jesus,

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Mangled Movie Lines (Church Version)

A Direct Quote From Every Church in the World!

An old improv game we used to play once inspired me to ask this question of myself, and I share it with you today. What if your favorite movie lines had been delivered at church or youth group instead of in their original scene? How might they be different? I have come up with a few- I hope my readers will come up with many more! Here we go!
  • "I'll be back...as long as the church next door doesn't get a Starbucks."   Terminator
  • "I'm going to give them an offering they can't refuse..."   The Godfather
  • "Oh no, it wasn't the airplanes. Twas the youth group that killed the beast."   King Kong
  • "Nobody puts the church secretary in a corner."  Dirty Dancing
  • "You shouldn't make me play Fluffy Bunny, Johnny. My mother made me play Fluffy Bunny once...ONCE."   Johnny Dangerously
  • "40 years of darkness, earthquakes and volcanoes! The dead rising from the grave, traditional worshippers and emergent worshippers living together- total chaos!"  Ghostbusters
  • "Have fun storming the sanctuary!"   The Princess Bride
  • "What we have here is a failure to communicate... (OOPS- didn't have to change that one!)    Cool Hand Luke
  • "Of all the churches in all the towns in all the world, THAT senior pastor had to walk into mine."  Casablanca
  • "The new hymnals are here! The new hymnals are here!"  The Jerk
  • "There are two types of people in the world- those who like Rob Bell, and those who don't..."    What About Bob?
  • "The United Methodist Women... They are not the cowering wretches we were promised. They stand. They are unruly, and therefore cannot be ruled. To challenge them is to court death."  The Avengers
  • "Oh, the youth minister is very popular Pastor Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, d*ckheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude."  Ferris Bueller's Day Off
  • "Fat, drunk and atheist is no way to go through life, son."  Animal House
  • "Frankly my dear, I don't give a dad blast the gosh darn blankety heck..."  Gone With the Wind
  • "What do you kids want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?"  The Lion King
  • "You say the youth group needs a bigger budget? You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well do ya, Punk?"  Dirty Harry
  • "When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a church on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Bro, the strongest church in all of Nashvegas."  Monty Python & the Holy Grail
  • "Cinderella story, from outta' nowhere, about to become Trustees Chairman..."   Caddyshack 
  • "They've done studies, you know. Be purpose driven. 60% of the time it works, every time."  Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
  • "Jesus is King of the World!"  Titanic
Let's face it, friends- sometimes the institution of the church is funny. It OK to laugh. I've said it before and I'll say it again-  I cannot survive a day without Jesus or laughter. And they ARE NOT mutually exclusive. Now let's hear your movie favorites, mangled for a little church humor! I'll Tweet the best ones. Have a Happy Hump Day!