Tuesday, October 6, 2015

The 'Stache is Talking Trash

'Stache Stunt Double
As many of you are aware, today is Carl's birthday. He deserves a day off from writing, so I -his Moustache- have taken over the blog for this Tuesday. You may be surprised that a moustache can have a life of its own and can write, or you may be among those who have suspected all along that I have special powers. In any case, today is my day to shine! You may also recall that this is the final day of the ridiculous contest in which Carl has allowed you to have control of my destiny in order to raise money for our beloved Lisa Jewett. I say "our beloved" because she (just like Marilyn, who has kept me safe for many years!) was steadfastly opposed to anything that might cause me to disappear from Carl's face- so of course I love her too! Despite my trepidation, I have been proud to risk my life so that we could raise money for her battle with ovarian cancer- because #CancerSucks. Carl's readers have been very generous, and we thank you. But here, on the final day of voting to Save It or Shave It (and with me being the IT in question!), there are a few things that need to be said. This 'stache is about to talk some trash!

It is clear from the voting so far that the ladies love me, and who can blame them? My powers are mystical, but very real. The money raised to save me has turned the voting into a landslide (although some as yet unclaimed votes from a very generous anonymous voter- and the Gastler family- could change all that) without a single female voting for my demise. Apparently, you gotta' love the 'stache! Most of you have no idea what Carl would look like without me, and that scares you. I get that. As Carl Semmler wrote, who would pay to see MORE of this guy's face?  Todd Willis voted to shave me out of sheer curiosity, and I get that as well. But those of you who want me gone are failing. At midnight tonight, unless you have a comeback of epic proportions, my future will be secure. So I taunt you! This is your once chance to kiss me goodbye, and you are blowing it. Can you imagine your joy at watching a video of a professional putting Carl in a chair and sending me to oblivion? It's all slipping away, isn't it? You under-estimated the power of the 'stache- and now it's desperation time for all the haters!

Want to shut me up? Then click the link provided and go visit Lisa's Go Fund Me page, donate and vote! Every $5 you donate earns one vote, and $100 doubles your total and gives you 40 votes to use against me. So far readers of this blog have given over $900 to the cause; that's awesome, but we are greedy. We want more! I mentioned that it is Carl's birthday, and he has repeatedly said that what he wants most as a gift to him is for people to give to Lisa. That's sweet and all, but I have another challenge for you. Give today, on this final day of the contest, and vote to shut me up! I dare ya. It'll take several hundred dollars of giving for the Shave It! votes to catch up, but if you do it you can watch me go bye-bye. You can do something wonderful and disappoint the women in my life all at the same time. But I don't think it will happen, because the 'stache lovers out there can give as well. I'd love to see a bidding war, a fight to the finish- because we'd love to see those donation totals soar today.

So donate, vote and wish Carl a Happy Birthday! Then tune in tomorrow for the big announcement. I'm not worried about my future. In fact, I'm planning my next move. Just like Pinky & the Brain, Carl and I are planning to take over the world! You should Fear the 'Stache!!!


1 comment:

  1. Anonymous10/06/2015

    Hilarious stuff, CJ! And I still say OFF WITH THE 'STACHE!!! ~ Chris Cooper


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