Youth Ministry Oops

My Twitter buddy and veteran youth worker Paul Turner tweeted yesterday that youth pastors should remember to be in touch with students who may have missed their weekend youth events to let them know they were missed.  It was a great reminder to stay focused on the students and continuing to build relationships and community in youth ministry.  It also reminded me of 3 epic Oops committed by a large, very successful youth ministry in the life of my own son a few years back that left him with a bad taste in his mouth for youth group.  I hope this story will serve as a warning to all of you who love students.

When we first moved back to Tampa in the summer of 2007, Will became a regular and very active participant in a local student ministry. He attended their primary youth meeting event Sunday evenings.  He went on retreats and attended special events.  Very few of the students attended his school, and he did not have many close friends in the group, but for the most part he enjoyed going. In the summer of 2008 he was part of week long local missions camp where they stayed on campus at the church for the entire week. We did not learn this until much later, but during one of the nightly worship times that week he went forward for prayer.  The youth pastor, who by then had known him for over a year, prayed for him by the wrong name.  It wasn't just an error. She did not know his name.  And that really hurt Will- as it would any of us.  Oops #1.

Will continued to attend as the school year began, albeit with less enthusiasm.  We sometimes had to make him go.  Then one week, after he had been a youth on the previous 3 Sundays in a row, he received a "missing you" card from the youth staff.  We assumed it was just a simple mistake, but a few weeks later it happened again.  Will was no doubt feeling invisible, and as a long time youth pastor I understood why.  He did not feel part of the community, and the leaders seemed not to know who he was.  And being part of that ministry became less and less important to him.  Oops #2.

After 2 years of pretty regular participation, Will began to drop out. He no longer wanted to go to special events on on retreats. We had to fight him to get him to attend at all.  And as he pulled away from that ministry, not once did anyone from the youth staff call him or visit him.  Not once did anyone stop by his school for lunch or offer to buy him a milk shake. He had no relationships, and he felt no community. I had always said I would not be one of those parents who forced his kid to go to youth group- I had seen first hand for years what a disaster that can be.  Will wanted out, and with no sign of anyone in the ministry really caring, we let him drop out.  If they had only reached out to him...  Oops #3.

Now the story has a happy ending, although not one I would have ever scripted. We explored the high school ministry as he began 9th grade, and I even took the new high school pastor to lunch and explained my frustrations.  To his credit, he did make an effort to involve Will.  But it was too late.  Will had found community and relationships with a different group- the drumline of his school marching band. The church changed their youth group to Wednesday evenings, a time when Will could not attend (Oops #4?). His life began to revolve around the people and activities of the band, just as mine and so many students who passed through my groups had revolved around a youth ministry.  And now, as a senior, those drummers are the most important people in his life.  He still loves church, and we attend worship (at that same church) on a regular basis.  He still loves Jesus.  We are blessed by those things.  But the bottom line, youth ministry failed my son.

To get back to Paul's tweet, I always felt like if a student missed a week, there was most likely a good reason.  If they missed 2 weeks, I needed to let them know they were missed. If they missed 3, then something was wrong. A pattern was forming, and I needed to talk to them and see what could be done.  Students want to be part of a community.  They want leaders to know their names. They don't want to feel invisible.  And they want to be missed when they are not around.  Students crave relationships. If the church does not provide them, they will seek it elsewhere. We got lucky, and Will found amazing friends in drumline who have been a huge positive in his life.  Others will find their community in far darker places.  Don't let your students become victims of the Oops.  Remember that relationships are job #1.

Because of Jesus,