Tom Zalatnai: "If I Were Starting Over..."

Today begins a 5 day series of guest posts from youth pastors on the theme, "If I Were Starting Over in Youth Ministry."  Today's comes from one of my Canadian Twitter friends, Tom Zalatnai.  I hope this series will help us each focus on lessons learned from our time in ministry.  Enjoy!  And thanks for kicking us off in style, Tom!

I lead a small youth group at an Anglican church in Montreal, Quebec. That's in Canada, for those of you who are out of the know ;) Montreal is a city that has been bitten by the Church in the past, and its metropolitan, urban setting makes it one of the more secular places in North America. That being said, our youth group is small, by our standards, but probably sounds infinitesimal compared to some of you guys' ministries haha. We have about ten to fifteen kids. They're the same ones, and they're a super tight group, but yeah, things are small, and that's the flock that God has given us to tend! They're amazing, and we've been so blessed to get to lead them and build real, meaningful relationships with them in a setting that encourages them to go deeper into their relationships with God and with each other.
With such a small group, and with my having actually been a member of the group until a couple of years ago, my philosophy of leadership has always been to be as self-sacrificing as possible and to try really hard to foster deep, personal relationships with the people I'm leading. It's always been my belief that if we are close with the people we work with, that enables us to lead them in a greater capacity and also has the added bonus of making things even more fun. However, and this is where I start to answer Carl's question, it also leaves us open to some snares and pitfalls, and only in the last little while have I been able to figure out how to work around those and what was missing from my ministry.

The problem with a relationship-based approach to ministry is professionalism. It's really hard to seem like you're being a professional when the teens see you as a friend more than they see you as a leader. It's also hard to lead when that happens, because they start to see you as a peer and those who feel so inclined will treat you as one and ignore your given authority. It also leaves you open to forgetting that you are their leader, and actually starting to feel and act like you are another of their peers. That's a dangerous road to go down haha.

That being said, if there was one thing I'd change about the way I have lead my youth ministry, it would be adding a little bit more professionalism to my leadership. I still think it's super important to build meaningful relationships with the teens, but it's equally important to establish that line between "bro" and "leader who you get along with really well."

I'm going to leave you with some scripture to consider (I know, I've been talking for awhile haha)- I recently came across a passage that I think is a really fantastic guideline for people leading ministries to follow. The passage is 1 Timothy 3. This is a great list of qualities to adhere to as much as possible, and since I found it I have been trying to push myself into it more and more.

Anyways, that's all I've got for today! Thanks for much for reading, check out my blog, follow me on Twitter @tomzalatnai and make sure to check out the rest of the posts in this series!

Blessings,

-- 

Thomas Zalatnai
Co-Coordinator Emmaus Youth Group

@tomzalatnai

http://tomzalatnai.blogspot.com/

A Day To Remember

Every now and then I have a day that reminds that my 52 years have been filled with amazing people and many blessings.  Yesterday was one such day. Here's a recap...


Marilyn, Will and I began our journey to Kissimmee around 9:45 am.  We arrived early and drove down 192, seeing once again all of the remarkable changes that have taken place there since we moved away in 2000.  It seems every motel has a new name.  Many of our favorite restaurants are gone, replaced by new ones.  We drove by the house FUMC-K provided us for the 6 years we lived there, the house where Will lived his first years. We drove by the church itself.  The memories were coming at me in waves.  All this time the excitement was building over the reunion planning meeting we were heading to attend, and Teresa Tysinger was reminding me by text of all the possibilities such a reunion would bring and how many people were excited by the idea.  By the time we arrived at the Broadway Pizza Bar just before noon, I was ready!


Quite a few of the people we thought were coming to the meeting wound up not making it, but Jill Watson, Cindy Martin and the Jones clan had a grand old time reliving old stories and making plans. As Jill said, we picked up right where we left off 12 years ago.  Interested people can read and respond to our reunion proposals by clicking here- and please do, because we desperately want your input!  But we had too much fun and laughed way too hard, and 2 hours went by in the blink of an eye.  We left not only excited about the possible reunion, but also about planning more planning meetings!


In the midst of all of this, our dear friend Lisa Jewett was kind enough to stop by our Tampa home and let Conner the Dog out to stretch his legs and relieve his bladder.  Not just any friend will do that for you.especially when the dog is as crazy as Conner, but Lisa was glad to do it.  We do have such amazing friends...


The came reunion #2 of the day, as we ventured over to Downtown Disney to catch up with the Farlow clan from NC, who were just arriving in Orlando.  The group included Todd Farlow (a Hall of Fame student from my days at Springfield Friends Meeting), his wife Meleah and their 2 kids, as well as Todd's mom and dad, Brenda and Lewis.  Also with him them were Todd's older sister Amy, her hubby David Logan and their 2 daughters.  We had thought we were not going to get to see Amy's family, and so when I wrote about seeing the Farlow's in yesterday's post I neglected to mention them.  By the time we arrived in Kissimmee, Amy had made it known on Facebook that I was in trouble for leaving them out!  We had a good laugh about it.  We wound up just meeting them at Disney's All-Star Sports Resort and having dinner there.  It had been at least 8 years since we had seen any of them, but once again it was immediately like old times.  Brenda abused me for my gray hair; Lewis was making me laugh hysterically; Marilyn and Amy were cracking each other up; and Will was simply soaking it in.  Such great people who were so very important in my life- and still are.  I just love that family. Again, 2 hours went by in a blink.


The blessings of the day (and the weekend) were not quite done.  I got a message from my Twitter Sis, telling me she and her family were coming to WDW in October and hoping to catch up with me.  That would be so awesome! Marilyn got a call from my old friend (and fellow Banana Split!) Ray Luther, who followed me as the youth pastor at Springfield and is now the senior pastor there. He is here is central Florida with his wife Katie.  We are hoping to meet them for dinner tonight, unless we have to build an ark this afternoon.  And finally, we got word through Facebook that my old NYWC buddy (and another of Banana Splits!) Tim Vestal and his wife Sarah welcomed a baby boy into the world yesterday.  Simply put, it was an AWESOME day!!!


It was indeed a day to remember, both in the sense that it was a wonderful day, and in the sense that I remembered so many of the people who have so blessed my life.  Thanks to everyone who made it so special.  Have a blessed Sunday, dear readers!


Because of Jesus,

Saturday Shout Outs!

YO, friends and neighbors, and welcome to yet another edition of Saturday Shout Outs!  There has been a lot of activity in my world over the past couple of weeks, and today is going to be absolutely amazing!!!  Curious?  Then read on my friends!


*  Today at 12 noon Marilyn, Will and I will be gathering with some dear old friends at the Broadway Pizza Bar in downtown Kissimmee to begin some initial planning on a reunion of the FUMC-K group from the years I was there (1994-2000).  I have heard from so many people who are so excited about the possibility of a reunion actually happening.  Most cannot join us today but are anxious to hear what we are planning. I will recap today's discussion on tomorrow's post.
*  Then later today we are going to catch-up with our dear old friends The Farlows (Springfield Friends Meeting) over at Walt Disney World for dinner.  Can't wait to see Todd & Meleah, but just as psyched to see Todd's parents, Lewis & Brenda.  Some of my favorite people ever!!!
*  I had a long visit yesterday afternoon with Todd Willis (FUMC-K) at my favorite Applebees in Plant City.  Todd wanted to be at the reunion meeting today but has to fly back to DC.  We managed to solve most of the world's problems AND get in a lot of baseball discussion as well.  So great to see another of my all-time favorite people!
*  Will Jones came home from a week at my Mom's house with a Save Ferris t-shirt that has a huge picture of Cameron on it.  Later, we watched Airplane together and laughed our butts off.  He listens to Springsteen on vinyl. I may have the coolest 16 year old ever.  And as you go about life these next weeks, remember the lesson of Ferris Bueller's Day Off- "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."  Not a bad thought to start every day with...

*  In the comments yesterday, Teresa Reep Tysinger (FUMC-K) mentioned her flashbacks and nightmares from her shared experience with Jerry Hanbery inside the Statue of Liberty.  I had to look long and hard, but here is proof of what haunts her...

*  Got confirmation this week that Ashley Goad Broadhurst (Springfield) will be spending a few days here at Chez Jones in late July.  Woooo-hooo!  We do love when "family" visits!!!
*  I continue to remember my old friends Lisa Ramos Moran (New Garden Friends Meeting) and Alan Brown (Quaker Lake Camp) in prayer.  Their moms passes away this past week.
*  We are coming down the homestretch in the fundraising effort for Sally Hollingsed (FUMC-K) in her battle with cancer.  You can read her story and make a donation by clicking here!
*  There are few things in life that make me smile more and laugh harder than trying to teach my dear friend Lisa Jewett (Wesley Memorial UMC) about baseball.  Plus, if you haven't heard, she has cute grandkids.  Just ask her!  :)  Love you, Lisa!
*  So many of my youth pastor friends on Twitter are in the midst of very busy summers, taking trips and reaching students in the name of Jesus.  Please keep them in your prayers.
* In addition to my regular prayer times (in which many of you are often mentioned!) I have been praying extra prayers this past week for two very special people.  Heather Beggs Varner (Springfield) continues her work as the Camp Director at Quaker Lake, where she has transformed the camp in some amazing ways.  They are in the midst of camping season, and I know how stressful that can be- even as you are having a blast!  So join me in praying for Heather.  And Cyndi Reep Browning had a very rough week.  Cyndi, we love you and we know God has big things ahead for you!  Keep the faith!!!


That's it for now!  I am ready to get off and running on a very busy day.  I hope you all have a great day today and a blessed day tomorrow. Let me hear from you!


Because of Jesus,

Flashback Friday: Top 10 Trips

With our FUMC-Kissimmee reunion planning meeting coming up tomorrow, as well as a get together with the Todd Farlow family after that, I am feeling very nostalgic!  And nothing brings back great memories faster than talking about some of the amazing trips my groups tool over the years.  Today I remember 10 of my favorites!

10)  Walt Disney World, 1990-  The middle of our three Disney trips from Springfield Friends Meeting (also known as Floridays '90) was a great adventure.  There are lots of great stories from the trip already posted here, but it will always be memorable to me for three reasons:  losing Jeff Byrd, losing Jill Gilbreth and riding Mr. Toad's Wild Ride with Jeremy Godwin.  And those amazing root beer floats at the A&W across the OBT from the Gold Key Inn...

  9)  Night of Joy, 2003-  This was the first time I ever took a group to Disney's weekend of great Christian bands and stayed for the entire weekend.  A huge group from Wesley Memorial UMC in Tampa made the trek to Orlando and stayed on-property at Disney's All-Star Sports Resort.  We took in both nights of concerts, had great times in the pool, and just generally had a spectacular weekend.  I took lots of pictures, but lost my camera bag at some point while we were loading up to go home.  This group shot you see here is the only evidence I have of this great weekend!

  8)  Ski Trip, 1997-  The stories of this FUMC-K trip to Winterplace are endless, and most have been told here already.  The frozen bus, Vern Watson peeing by the roadside, Erin Augenblick seeing flames shooting out the tailpipe, Dr. Jill forcing me to buy her chocolate cobbler at the Cracker Barrel and Jessica Overstreet sleeping in the bath tub are just a few of the moments that made this the only ski trip to make my list.

  7)  New York, 1999-  Another FUMC-K trip, this was another huge group (see picture at top) that had an amazing time together.  Great memories include Jill Souther on crutches; Kay Hill and Debbie Rogers getting thier hair hair done by real New York stylists; Jerry Hanbery repeatedly saying "Get some monkey, work that dum dum (I still have no idea what that means);"  and seeing Les Miz and The Scarlet Pimpernel.  It was also the week of the most fabulous meal ever, dinner for 60 at Carmine's.  All of my New York trips were great, but this one was especially special!!!

  6)  Chicago, 2004-  On this mission trip taken by Graceland, the student ministry of Wesley Memorial UMC, we worked hard, played hard and worshipped hard.  I wrote about this adventure recently in a post on mission trip memories, but I have to say again, the worship service we shared in a small room one night on that trip is among the most significant and meaningful I have ever been a part of...  

  5)  Live To Tell, 1996-  This FUMC-K mystery weekend in Myrtle Beach was memorable for so many reasons, not the least of which was the incredible amount of time we spent driving to and from our destination.  We had a great time and some awesome group building experiences.  We ate lots of seafood.  We had Sunday morning worship on the beach.  And we did not kill Kendall Crotty... (see Live to Tell for details!).

  4)  New York, 1982-  This was my final New York trip with my New Garden Friends Meeting group, and we took almost everyone!  It was an amazing group, featuring superstars such as Marshall Ratledge, Ling Lee, Michael Garrett, Kim Winters, David Cannady, Kathy Fountain, Marnee Larkins, Linc Dewar and Darek Newby, and Quaker Lake friends like Ronnie Osborne and Carla Garrett.   We had one of the best seminars that the Methodist Center at the United Nations ever did for us.  Lots of great memories, lots of great people.

3)  Myrtle Beach, 1989-  The second appearance on this countdown for a week at the Betsy B, this Springfield Friends Meeting trip featured so many memorable moments- and I have many of them on a video that I hope to share someday!  Among the classic moments were Shelley Godwin getting everyone talking about Total Babes; Russell Farlow and the Big K cola;  Heather Beggs trying desperately to belch on camera;  early morning wake up calls for the females, and then later the males, using pots and pans;  Laurie Rees and Cecily Livengood meeting their very own Mike and Mike on the beach; Judy Rees and Brockie Farlow imitating Heather and Keri Vinson; the big KISS concert featuring Jon Moran, Mike Mercadante, Patrick Tillman and Danny McCorquodale; and of course, everyone taking every opportunity to rag on Todd Farlow for not being there!  An amazing week!

  2)  Spanish Wells, 1997-  You can read all about this great FUMC-K trip by clicking here.  But seriously, how can a trip (even a supposed working trip) to the Bahamas NOT make this list?  One of the great weeks on my life, no doubt about it!

  1)  Walt Disney World, 1993-  The Magic Tour was just that- a week full of magical adventures at Disney's Caribbean Beach Resort for the youth of Springfield Friends Meeting.  It took me 19 posts to this blog to cover this trip, so to read all about it just look to the LABELS box at the lower right hand side and click on Magic Tour.  From the Polynesian Luau to The Comedy Warehouse to the Hoop-de-doo Musical Revue, this trip simply rocked.  For me, it will always be the standard against which all other youth group trips are measured.

So there you have it- my list of favorite trips.  Which trips would make your list?  Did I leave out your favorite New York or Myrtle Beach trip?  I would love to hear from you (hint, hint!) and discover what you remember- and who you remember.  Have a blessed weekend!

Because of Jesus,

A Random Thought For Thursday

Yesterday I was reminded of a little song I have known most of my life, but had not thought of in a very long time.  It was on a New Christy Minstrels album of my Dad's, and he taught it to me when I was little. I used to sing it to anyone who would listen.  I share it today because I think it uses a humorous scenario to make a good point.  I just can't decide what that point is.  Maybe it is a warning against being judgmental. Maybe it is reminding us that who we hang out with does matter.  Maybe it is just silly.  Or maybe...just maybe...it is a warning to always sleep it off at home!  In any case, here it is...

It was early last September as near as I can remember

And I was strolling down a lane in Tipsy Pride (hiccup)

Not a word did I utter as I lay down in the gutter

When this pig come up and lay down by my side

Not a soul was I disturbing as I lay there by the curbing

When this high-toned lady stopped and I heard her say:

"You can tell someone who boozes, by the company he chooses..."

And the pig got up and slowly walked away!

So what do you think?  Is there a moral to the story? I look forward to your interpretations! 

A Frosty Memory

Lauren, Big C and Marilyn

Last night I had a brief text conversation with my old friend Lauren Carr Cacciatore, one of my students back in my days at FUMC-Kissimmee (1994-2000).  She and her husband Brad had been to Tennessee and gone rafting on the Ocoee River, a trip we made several times during those youth group days. Lauren said she saw some familiar sights that brought back fond memories.  She also said that at no time during the trip did she have a Frosty from Wendy's.  Why would she mention such an odd and seemingly random fact?  Witness the following account in this vintage post, first shared back in June of 2010.

Lauren Carr was one of my favorite youth from the first day I met her.  There was just something about Lauren that was special.  She is pictured at right with Amber Herrick and Chrissy Weaver, who often referred to themselves as Carl's Angels.  I have many memories of the three of them, including a lunch at Friendly's after I moved to Chicago and came back for Lisa Kraus's wedding that I will NEVER forget!  But there is one Lauren story that stands above all the rest...

I already knew before the Mid-High Adventure Trip of 1995 that Lauren required a specific diet.  Her favorite food- in fact, the ONLY real food she would eat- was macaroni and cheese.  And not just any mac and cheese; it had to be Kraft!  I do have some memory of riding around Atlanta trying to find her some KFC so she could eat the skin off of the chicken, but for the most part it was Kraft mac and cheese or bust.  Upon reaching the Ocoee Inn on the trip we ate in their restaurant, where they had mac and cheese, but alas it was not Kraft.  Lauren would eat junk food when we stopped for gas, but for the most part she just did not eat much on our trips.  

We were coming back through Atlanta on our way home to Kissimmee when we stopped at a Wendy's, and Lauren got a Frosty.  This was back in the day when every Frosty was chocolate.  We proceeded on down the highway, and for the second time in my life (see A Waste of Good Cookies) I had someone tell me, in the midst of Atlanta rush hour traffic, that they might need to stop because of a stomach issue.  And before we knew what was happening, Lauren was sick.  And there was Frosty everywhere.  Inside the white van.  Outside the white van.  ALL OVER the white van!   I cannot fully express to you how unpleasant it was to see this Frosty for the second time.  We pulled off the interstate as hundreds of cars went flying by, and we tried to clean up.  

It was at this point that one of our Youth Counselors, Mike Mangan, performed a historic act of bravery.  Mike was helping clean up the mess (which was significant!) and we didn't have nearly enough napkins or paper towels.  Mike was wearing a gray Georgetown University t-shirt, and in a great act of personal sacrifice he took off the shirt and began to use it to soak up the secondhand Frosty.  He mopped up the puke until his shirt was completely saturated.  As we finished our clean-up and were getting back in the van, Mike stood by the roadside, starring at his shirt.  It was almost as if he was saying good-bye.  He then turned and tossed the Frosty stained t-shirt into some bushes by the highway and returned to then van.  Seldom has one man sacrificed so much so that others could ride in a barf-free van...

 The group that lived through the event loved to tell the story, and were in fact bound together by the experience.  It was just another example of how a shared history brings groups closer together than any lesson, program or event ever could.  Lauren survived.  Mike survived, although his shirt did not.  And the poor white van was never the same again...inside or out!  Used Frosty will never be a popular color for vans...

Because of Jesus,

7 Warning Signs For Youth Ministries

I have been out of student ministry for over 5 years now.  In youth ministry, 5 years is often a lifetime.  The large, big-budget church my family attends has completely reorganized its student ministry 3 times in those 5 years.  Some of my youth pastor friends have changed jobs 3 times in those 5 years.  So I have missed a lot of changes.  I have always been suspicious of people who try to teach youth ministry when they are not doing it- and that is me now.  But lately, I have been noticing some scary stuff.  I read lots of blogs written by youth pastors, and I tweet with a couple of hundred youth workers each week.  And I can't help but notice that there are some things they seem to be quite proud of that my 28 years of service in youth ministry cause me to see as red flags- warning signs that a storm is coming!  My purpose today is not to say anyone is wrong.  I do not know your students or your situations.  My purpose is to ask you to step back and make sure your ministry is doing all it can to build relationships between the students you serve and the Jesus you worship.  Here are 7 questions I hope you will consider...

1. Has your ministry become lopsided?  Ministry to students should cover many areas.  We need to teach them to be disciples. We need to show them what it means to have the heart of a servant and how to share the gospel with others.  We need to give them opportunities to worship. We need to offer them a place where they feel loved and included, and where they experience true fellowship.  Has your ministry become a place that focuses almost exclusively on one or two of those things?  Lopsided ministries often begin to exclude those on the fringe, or to become social clubs that have no heart for Jesus.  Neither of those is acceptable...
2. Do you preach to your students each week?  We have known for years that lectures and sermons are the least effective ways to communicate with young people, yet I read each week of all the time youth pastors are spending on sermon preparation.  We think our words inspire and convict them, but often they are rolling off teenagers like rain off of a freshly waxed car.  There are so many better, more creative ways to teach and engage students with the Word of God- but they require much more planning, work and risk.  We ask better of school teachers. We should demand better of ourselves.
3. Do parents like you too much?  If parents are on board with everything you do, you may have a problem.  Yes, we should work with parents (the ones who care and love their teenagers, never forgetting that we also serve students who get zero parental support), partner with them and be supportive of them, never seeking to undercut them as the primary models for the students we serve.  But who is it we have been called to serve?  If you never have to explain yourself to parents, then chances are you are not challenging your students.  The radical Jesus of the gospels makes adults uncomfortable; your ministry should too. You know teenagers.  If adults are approving of all of your exotic lessons, weird games, strange meeting times and loud music, then perhaps they are not exotic, weird, strange or loud enough!  Occasionally it is a good and holy thing to scare some parents...  :)
4. When you start planning a new year of ministry, do you begin with last year's calendar?  If you know what you will be doing September 22 of this year because you know what you did September 23 of last year, then get help. You are in a rut, and your creativity is dying. Start from scratch.  Brainstorm brand new ideas! You may wind up doing similar things, but don't make what you HAVE done the starting point for what you NEED to do!  Lameness alert!!!
5. When was the last time you tried something that failed miserably?  If it has been a while, then you may be playing it too safe.  Challenging and engaging students requires a little craziness and a lot of outside-the-box thinking. Those things lead to ideas whose times have not yet come- and abject failure. God will use those failures to make a difference.  I once lost $8000 on a concert where nearly 100 people gave their lives to Christ.  Failure...or not?  If you aren't failing a couple of times a year, then you aren't risking enough in the name of Jesus.  
6. Is your group too homogeneous?  I am not talking about ethnic or racial diversity; those are important issues that deserve more space than I can give them here.  I am talking about the caste system that exists in our schools. I am talking about cliques.  Are you actively seeking to help break down barriers?  Do you seek to reach all types of students, or just those who fit some predetermined profile set forth by your church?  Are you only accepting of teenagers who have already cleaned up their act?  You know- clean language, proper attire, no tattoos or piercings? Too many youth pastors are drawn only to students who are like them.  Beware of this.  Paul wrote we should be all things to all people so that they might know Jesus.  As a youth pastor, I would have loved to have been described with the same words Grace the school secretary used to describe Ferris Bueller:  "The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, ****heads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude."  Jesus is for everyone... 
7. Is spontaneous a dirty word in your ministry?   Some of the very best lessons, worship times and fellowship events I was ever a part of were NOT the things I had planned for that day.  I heard from a youth pastor a few weeks back who almost had a stroke when his guest speaker didn't show up.  Come on, people!  We are supposed to be the "Masters of Disaster," the queens and kings of improvisation!  Sometimes I think in our desire to appear "professional" we have cut out a big part of the heart of youth ministry- spontaneity.  Be willing to go with the flow.  Be willing to endure a little holy chaos. In fact, be willing to CREATE a little holy chaos!  And above all, be willing to let the Holy Spirit take you places you didn't plan to go.  Tameness, sameness and lameness will always be the enemy when it comes to reaching the hearts of students, because none of those words describe Jesus.

I could go on, but I will stop now. This feels like a sermon, and I am sure most of you quit reading back around #3!  It is my prayer that these words may rattle a few cages.  I may be way off base here- but I don't think so.  I gave much of my life to doing student ministry, and I believe with all of my heart that it still has a huge role to play in the future of the church- if we go about it with passion and creativity!   Let me know what you think!

Because of Jesus,