Lessons Learned & Bridges Burned

We are all well aware that over the past decade there has been a dramatic rise in the number of mass shootings in our nation. Despite the contentious debate surrounding gun control, it is safe to say that there is no one who thinks such carnage is a good thing. Most USAmericans would like to see us find a way to put an end to such tragic events. We disagree as to how that could be done. Some wish for more guns in the hands of more citizens- "a good guy with a gun is the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun." Others want strict gun laws that make it more difficult for anyone to own a gun. I choose not to have a gun, but that is my choice. Others claim they need their AK-47 for squirrel hunting. It's a complicated issue. The politicians who have the power to change laws and make a real difference in the debate tend to do nothing. They weep and argue and preserve the status quo. And after each horrible shooting, they are quick to offer "thoughts and prayers" to a grieving nation. As if that makes it all ok...

Over my 60 years (including 30 spent in ministry), I have witnessed a similar attitude in the way people respond to friends in need. The primary response of Christians to hurting people is to let them know that "I'll be praying for you." Sometimes, due to situation, distance or circumstance, prayer is all we can offer. Prayer can be a powerful thing, although sometimes more powerful for the pray-er than for the pray-ee. We often pair it with a good spiritual cliche, such as "God's got this" or "everything happens for a reason." The past 5 years have taught me many lessons that all those years in ministry did not. And lessons learned often leave us with bridges to burn, so hold on tight. When someone you love has cancer or has watched their child die or lost everything in a hurricane your prayers may be a comfort to them- and yet still not much help. Friends often ask for my prayers in such situations and I would tell them, of course, I will pray- it's the least I can do. I realize now that often that was far too true. It was the very least I could do. Faith is a strong and powerful ally in times of great stress and tragedy. But sometimes- often, in fact- our words offer not hope, but spiritual guilt. When faced with personal horror, most of us both cling to and doubt God. We cannot read God's mind. We seldom hear the voice of God speaking directly to us. We get no burning bush. So we have questions that are not answered by cliches and prayers. What does "God's got this" mean to a woman watching her husband's mind disappear with Alzheimer's? What are you saying to parents whose teenage daughter just took her own life when you remind them that "everything happens for a reason?" Our cliches may not be as comforting as we think. In fact, it is possible that we force friends to lie and feel guilty because they do doubt God's place in their story while the Church sounds like we have it all figured out. Lisa was a woman of great faith and courage, but she seldom wanted friends and especially family to know how bad she felt (she felt like telling them she had stage 4 ovarian cancer covered that) from day to day or that she had any doubts about being healed. They often spoke of the faith she showed in her occasional Facebook updates on treatment and progress; they didn't know she had me edit them to hide her pain and doubt. She stayed positive and faithful in public, keeping quiet of the bad days and living life to the fullest on the good ones, and some who loved her hid behind HER smile and pretended all was well. We use our cliches and we offer prayers because we don't know what else to do. It is my theory that people feel more comfortable visiting sick friends and family in the hospital than at home because at the hospital they know little is expected of them. Others find excuses to stay away until their loved one reaches the point of near-death and Hospice steps in. They can deny the reality of impending death and someone else will actually provide the care. And we are scared to death someone might ask the bigger questions such tragedies raise. If "God's got this, then why does my mom have terminal cancer? Did God allow (or worse, MAKE) her to suffer?" If there is a reason for everything, explain to Vanessa Bryant the "reason" her husband Kobe and daughter Gigi were killed in a helicopter crash. Where was God in that story? And prayers? Everyone who knew my friend Lisa prayed for 4 years that her cancer would be defeated- and she had faith that it could happen. Hundreds of people, of all denominations and faiths, spoke to their God asking for her burden to be lifted. In the end, it was not.  I have another friend lots of us pray for, diagnosed with 2 forms of often terminal cancer before Lisa was, who is currently in remission. Praise God, but show me the "reason" in that. We all know the feeling of praying for someone and having prayers go unanswered. One of Lisa's best friends and I had several conversations about not even knowing what to pray for when you know death is coming for someone you love. A cure? No suffering? Some sort of theological clarity? We are taught to pray for God's will to be done, but if everything is God's will, does that mean it was God's will that they got such a horrendous disease? It's all hard. That doesn't mean we give up on prayer. God is still with us. But for me, everything changed when I realized that what I could DO was significantly more important than what I could say- even to God. 

Family and friends would occasionally text or call Lisa to check on her, and she had a wonderful group of friends and fellow teachers who did help take care of her. But the closest others came to action was another cliche- "If there's anything I can do for you let me know." They would invite her to come to see them but never visited her. Another friend of mine with cancer has pointed out that asking is sweet, but just doing something is sweeter!  Ask them specific things- if they need a ride to the doctor or something from the grocery or drug store you can pick up for them. Ask if you can stop by and bring them a smoothie. On bad days offer to sit with them even if only to hold their hand while they sleep. Ask if they feel like getting out of the house and take them to lunch.  Prayer in action is much better than passive prayer when someone is in pain.  No matter how much faith we have, we need the people in our lives to step up and SHOW God's love. Most people experience the answer to prayers and the love of God through the actions of the people in their lives. Because let's be honest- when you are the sick person or their primary caregiver, figuring out God's role in the tragedy is like trying to smell the color 9. These words from Christian recording artist Chris Rice say so much...

I would take no for an answer
Just to know I heard You speak
And I'm wonderin' why I've never
Seen the signs they claim they see
Are the special revelations
Meant for everybody but me?
Maybe I don't truly know You
Or maybe I just simply believe

Well I can sniff, I can see
And I can count up pretty high
But these faculties aren't getting me
Any closer to the sky
But my heart of faith keeps poundin'
So I know I'm doin' fine
But sometimes finding You
Is just like trying to

Smell the color 9

Even when we trust in God and know we are loved by Jesus, facing death is scary and confusing. We are supposed to look forward to heaven, but at the same time, we are also aware we are facing the unknown. We KNOW what we are leaving behind- people we love and things we still want to accomplish. And we struggle to find answers. So if you know someone who is facing a tragedy like a terminal illness, reach out NOW. Pray for them, please. But also do things that show you understand what they are facing. And the same is true for the people taking care of them. The only way to have a clue about what they are going through is to spend actual time with them because most patients are unlikely to share over the phone that they have been getting sick several times a day for 6 months and cursing life as they do, even if they do appear to be living a normal life. I can tell you from personal experience that if I had heard one more person tell Lisa "God's got this" while not spending any time with her and having no idea everything she was dealing with on a daily basis I might have punched a wall. Kate Bowler, a cancer patient, pastor, and professor of religion at Duke Seminary wrote a best-selling book titled "Everything Happens For a Reason...and Other Lies I've Loved." Two friends of mine, both strong Christian women who have been/are primary caregivers to terminal cancer patients, agree. I'm not alone with my feelings on this. So please, be there for those you love, do things for and with them, and understand that sometimes the best words are no words.

I still believe in prayer, in a God that works miracles and who will never forsake us and loves us all. But some bridges have burned with the lessons I have learned. I know from life experiences that miracles don't often happen and that it is easy to feel alone and hard to sense God's presence when you are the ones in the storm. Another favorite platitude of the Church is "God will never give you more than you can handle." That may be technically true, but all of us have felt overwhelmed at times, and no amount of faith can rescue us from that despair at that moment. It takes honest, hands-on caring from those around us. So pray. Trust God. And remember that Jesus calls us to be the hands and feet of love in the lives of the sick and hurting. Just know that the ones dealing with the pain can love God through the doubts, even if finding God in their situation really is like trying to smell the color 9...

9's not a color
And even if it were you can't smell a color, and
That's my point exactly...

Super Memories

It's Super Bowl weekend, which always brings back floods of memories for me. So many youth group parties and chili dinners with old friends are stored away in my vault. But for the past 10 years, we have spent the day at Winners Sports Bar here in Tampa watching the game and eating good food. The tradition started with Marilyn, Will, and me but quickly became a "family event. Michelle joined in, along with her brother Alex and much of the rest of her family. And for the past 7 or 8 years, Lisa Jewett joined in the fun. Her son Scott came at least once as well. Tomorrow will be another first without her, another day full of happy memories and the sadness of not being able to create new ones. I've missed her during the playoffs when she would ask who was still alive for the big game and "who do we want to win?" She knew my loathing of the Patriots and knew if they were playing we wanted the other team. But she had no great knowledge of football. So game night she would sit near me and ask a lot of questions. And, as always with Lisa, the questions were a hoot! Things like:
* Why don't the coaches wear uniforms like they do in baseball?
* If you have offensive and defensive coordinators, why do you need a head coach?
* Why can't the first guy who touches the ball (the center) just pick it up and run with it? 
* The signals the refs give for penalties are too confusing. Why can't there be a different color flag for each penalty?
* Can you substitute in the middle of a play like in hockey?

You get the idea. Lisa also added her own unique flavor to the party. In 2013 we had to find her a Baltimore Ravens jersey for their game against the 49ers. Why? Her son Scott's high school mascot had ben the Ravens, and she loved Baltimore's purple jerseys. In 2014, Seattle was playing Denver. We were rooting for The Broncos and Peyton Manning. But the crowd at Winners was overwhelmingly against us. Periodically one of the fans would start a cheer by yelling, "SEA!" And the rest would respond by yelling, "HAWKS!"  After several occurrences of this, Lisa turned to me and said that she didn't understand. Why were they yelling "HAWKS SEE?" She was not hearing the initial sea, only the response and second sea. So, of course, we laughed for quite a while, and we did a HAWKS SEE cheer several times after that.

Over the last 4 years of her life, Lisa always came for the fun, even though she left early most nights and couldn't eat for several others. She made me call her the moment the 2018 game ended and Will's beloved Eagles had actually beaten the hated Patriots. It's was just another way she was a huge part of our family.

So enjoy the game. Throw a few brightly colored flags and make up your own penalties. And oh by the way...this year WE will be cheering for the Chiefs!!!