A Most Unusual Youth Ministry Check-Up

Curious about this picture, aren't you?

Much of my adult life was spent working in student ministry.  I was employed by a church to work with teenagers when I was still a teen myself, and for the next 28 years that was my life. I loved it. But having said that I should also point out that success in youth ministry can be very difficult to judge.  Youth Pastors are always seeking out some new way to measure their effectiveness and help make sure they are on the right path. Today I want to help.  Here are 7 questions that may be a little different from the standard "How am I doing?" checklist.  In fact, you may have never considered some of these questions to be an indication of anything positive. I am quite certain these are questions you will never be asked by your church board or HR committee.  I simply invite you to answer them honestly for you and your ministry, and then think about the implications of your answers.  It may change the way you see success.  Here we go...

1. When was the last time you had an all-out debate about a hot topic that is impacting the church today?  Not a program that informed students what they should believe, but a chance for them to talk about what they DO believe!  Not a controlled, reasonable discussion, but a flat-out debate, with no holds barred? Remember, if you tell a teenager often enough that "we don't talk about that here" then pretty soon they won't talk about anything. And we want them to develop their own faith, not just be able to mimic ours. I can promise you if you do this, I already know your answer to #2...
2. How long has it been since a parent complained about what you are teaching?  Obviously, there are standard things we should be teaching to our youth.  But far too often parents (and church leaders) want us to sanitize the Gospels.  Following Jesus is messy. It often goes against what the world teaches. If we really teach that Jesus is the way, then we will occasionally be saying that parents are wrong.  Oops.  Consider the importance of money and material possessions, for instance...
3. When was the last time you tried something that failed?  Whether a program, a trip, a mission project or a lesson, teenagers thrive on being challenged! If everything you do is safe and comfortable, with no risk of failure, then you are missing a chance to meet them where they are in a profound way.  Use your God-given creativity. Believe all those hats and t-shirts that say, Fear Not! Step out in faith.  Do something wild and woolly! And if you fail, simply get up and try again. Jesus will always be with you!
4. Does your church have a rule in place because of you?  This was one of the late Mike Yaconelli's favorite questions for youth pastors.  Have you been so creative that the church trustees have met just to figure out how to stop you?  Have you tested the limits of the church buildings, the church grounds and the church vans? Not because you have been thoughtless or reckless, and not because you lack respect- but because you know and love teenagers and keep discovering new ways to keep them involved. In my case, one of my favorites was the banning of playing Kick the Can in the church cemetery.  Seriously.
5. When was the last time you made your students uncomfortable?  We all want our youth ministries to be a safe haven for students in so many ways.  But we also need to remember that following Jesus will ALWAYS take us outside of our comfort zones.  We need to do ministry in neighborhoods that may not feel safe.  We need to talk about subjects that our youth would just as soon ignore.  And we need to take mission trips to places where our youth will encounter "the least of these."  If your kids have not been uncomfortable lately, they are missing out.
6. Do your youth know that you are real?  Your students do not need to know if you are having marriage problems or have a secret addiction.  They do not need to know if you dislike your pastor or really can't stand the new worship leader.  But they do need to know that you have frustrations and problems.  They need to know that you are a real person.  Part of youth ministry is being a model of Christian living for the students you serve, and a real model has flaws.  You and I are not perfect. Students need to know that.  Be honest when you mess up a program or hurt someones feelings.  Be real about frustrations. How can we teach about the amazing grace of God if we spend our lives pretending we don't need it because we have out acts together?  It's time to get real.
7. How much ministry time are you spending outside of your office?  How many students who don't attend your church have you met recently?  I have written entire posts about this subject, but it remains a key question.  If you are not out meeting students where they are and building relationships with youth throughout your community, then your ministry is missing a key element.  If meetings and paperwork have you trapped behind a desk, change something.  Doug Fields once moved his office to a Taco Bell for after-school hours so he could be available to students and away from the "busy work" of the office setting. What do you need to do to make meeting students on their turf a priority?

So there you have it- a list almost guaranteed to get you in trouble with the local Pharisees! It is also a list that will help you seek out new ways to bring the teenagers you serve into a deeper relationship with Jesus.  I have one more suggestion that is sure cause a little commotion.  Share these questions with the Youth Ministry Committee, your church staff or anyone else you feel is appropriate.  Seek their input and guidance.  Maybe...just maybe...such discussions can lead to a little more organized chaos in your church. I will say it again- following Jesus is messy.  Has your ministry become a little too "sanitized for your protection?"  Finally, the ridiculous picture at the top makes a little sense...  Blessings to you as you serve in the name of the risen Savior!

Because of Jesus,

Poems, Prayers & Promises

"Music makes pictures and often tells stories, all of it magic and all of it true

All of the pictures and all of the stories, all of the magic- the music is you."

With those words, one of my all-time favorite albums begins. First released in 1975,  An Evening with John Denver captured the sound and the spirit of one of the great performers of my high school years in all of its glory.  I attended two of his concerts in person and have great memories of both. The album was one of my favorites; I listened to it over and over and knew the words to every song.  And then, as often happens, I moved on.  John Denver fell out of favor as an artist. As popular music changed with the advent of first disco and then punk, artists like JD fell through the cracks, At the height of his career he was suddenly too country to be pop and too pop to be country.  In 1997 he was killed in a plane crash at the relatively young age of 53- the same age I will turn next month.  I have thought many times over the last couple of years that I should get a copy of Evening, but I just never got around to it.  I even doubted if I would still enjoy it, and I didn't want to tarnish some great memories.  It seemed like something an old man might purchase, you know?  But yesterday I decided to break down and buy the album on I-tunes. At least getting it there made me feel slightly less ancient, and it came with 6 bonus tracks!  So I downloaded the double album set and began to listen. And the only response I know that fits is this- holy crap!

As soon as the music started, I was transported back in time.  It felt so comfortable and so familiar.  I still knew every word.  And the songs.  Oh my goodness, the songs.  So many of them came with such vivid memories of days gone by, some of which I had completely forgotten. One of the first songs I ever learned to play on guitar was Sweet Surrender, because it only had 2 chords.  I remember singing Today with Alice Carroll and Martha Ratledge Farlow at Quaker Lake Camp; listening to Martha sing Boy From the Country in so many Friends Meetings on Sunday mornings;  walking in on Robin Cox singing The Eagle and the Hawk in the ping pong room in an octave that broke glass 100 miles away;  rocking the Fireplace Room with Jay Wilkins and Darek Newby as we played Grandma's Feather Bed; having great sing-a-longs to Take Me Home Country Roads on ski trips from Kissimmee;  turning Country Roads into Country Swamps; and singing My Sweet Lady, Annie's Song (2 amazing love songs), Saturday Night in Toledo, Ohio,  Annie's Other Song and Forest Lawn at mini-concerts of my own.  And I remember hearing John himself close concerts with Rocky Mountain High and This Old Guitar.  Everyone of those songs (and many more!) are on this live album.  I spent all day yesterday remembering, smiling and even shedding a tear or two. Only music can do that to me.

So maybe it is OK that I am a little bit of an old man.  Maybe real (no auto tuning), live acoustic based music is something the world could use a little more of these days.  I just know this- those opening words could not be more accurate.  The songs on this album do paint pictures and tell stories.  They transport me to another time and move my soul in ways I could not have predicted. And it was all summed up for me in the words of yet another great song on the album, Poems, Prayers and Promises:

I've been lately thinking
About my life's time
All the things I've done
And how it's been
And I can't help believing
In my own mind
I know I'm gonna hate to see it end

I've seen a lot of sunshine
Slept out in the rain
Spent a night or two all on my own
I've known my lady's pleasures
Had myself some friends
And spent a night or two in my own home

And I have to say it now
It's been a good life all in all
It's really fine
To have a chance to hang around
And lie there by the fire
And watch the evening tire
While all my friends and my old lady
Sit and pass the pipe around

And talk of poems and prayers and promises
And things that we believe in
How sweet it is to love someone
How right it is to care
How long it's been since yesterday
And what about tomorrow
And what about our dreams
And all the memories we share

The days they pass so quickly now
Nights are seldom long
And time around me whispers when it's cold
The changes somehow frighten me
Still I have to smile
It turns me on to think of growing old
For though my life's been good to me
There's still so much to do
So many things my mind has never known
I'd like to raise a family
I'd like to sail away
And dance across the mountains on the moon

I have to say it now
It's been a good life all in all
It's really fine
To have the chance to hang around
And lie there by the fire
And watch the evening tire
While all my friends and my old lady
Sit and watch the sun go down

And talk of poems and prayers and promises
And things that we believe in
How sweet it is to love someone
How right it is to care
How long it's been since yesterday
What about tomorrow
What about our dreams
And all the memories we share

Music can remind us of where we have been.  It can help us see where we are are, and where we are going.  And it can remind that wherever life takes us, God will be there.  Now if you will excuse me, there are 29 songs that all need another listen.

Because of Jesus,

"Oh Them Lions..." (A Vintage Post)

"The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it."  - Chinese Proverb

I confess that I dread days like this.  Things like marking the anniversary of the September 11th attacks are exactly the kinds of things that we USAmericans so often get so wrong.  We produce countless documentaries so that those who suffered the greatest losses can watch those planes and buildings blow up over and over again.  We profit from their pain, selling souvenirs disguised as remembrances.  And we focus on the wrong things.  Today is not about the terrorists, or conspiracy theories, or poorly thought out government responses, or military success.  Today is most certainly not about patriotism.  Today is about remembering those who through the most random of circumstances lost their lives 11 years ago today.  And today is about those who, that day and in the days that followed, stood with God and with great faith refused to allow the human spirit to be crushed by the events of that horrible morning.  This is my tribute to those people.

I watched that morning, completely stunned like the rest of the world.  I hear many people talk about how surreal it seemed to them.  It was very real to me almost immediately.  I was living in Chicagoland, and rumor spread quickly that the next target was the Sears Tower.  My wife Marilyn worked downtown, and almost immediately the evacuations began.  Panic and chaos were the words of the day.  As our church staff sat in our weekly staff meeting and tried to figure out some way to respond, we learned a local youth pastor had been on one of the planes.  It was all too real.  Three days later Marilyn was flying to Tampa to check out our new home.  Going to the airport and feeling the tension, being scared of something that had never scared us before, made it all too real.  As we watched for weeks as workers sacrificed, struggled and died in the hopes of finding even one person left alive in the aftermath, it seemed like life would never be the same again.  But eventually, we moved on.  We remembered, but we moved on.

In March of 2003 I took a group of youth from Wesley Memorial UMC in Tampa to NYC for a few days, and while there we headed over to Ground Zero.  We expected to be moved by the destruction, the lists of those who died, and the remembrances of the horror of the day.  And we were.  But those things were not what we really remember from that visit.  It was our stop at St. Paul's Chapel that changed us all.  The little church on Wall Street, which backed up to the devastation, had been an oasis of peace and rest in the midst of the tragedy. It had become a shrine to the human spirit and the love of God.  It honored the dead, but also honored those who had given so much as first responders. It honored those who came as volunteers from all over the country simply seeking to help.  Pews in the sanctuary were damaged by the heavy equipment many of the firefighters wore that day.  Flowers, signs and banners were everywhere in honor of those who had served.  As you read the log books. watched video interviews and walked around the building, you could not help but realize that this was not an USAmerican thing; this was a GOD thing!  It was the loving responses of the many that would not allow evil to claim victory on that site.  

So how will I mark this occasion today?  By remembering these things- when despair overwhelms us, evil wins.  When anger rules, evil wins.  When revenge is our motivation, evil wins.  When faith, hope and love are all we are left with, then God wins.  There is a story told that a volunteer from St. Paul's tells of how he overheard one of the exhausted rescue workers coming into the church for a meal and a break, and he was singing.  The song he was singing was a youth group favorite by Lost And Found- "Oh them lions they can eat my body but they can't swallow my soul..."  And that should be our lasting lesson from September 11, 2001.  It's also in the Gospel of John, chapter 1.  "The Light (Jesus) shines in the darkness, and the darkness cannot overcome it."  For me, that will always be the story of 9/11.  Today, do not waste energy hating those who are evil.  Remember the fallen and those who were heroic in their selfless, sacrificial, Christ-like response.  That is what this day should always be about.

Because of Jesus,

The Rhombus of Evil (Sports Edition)

Rhombus- a simple (non self-intersecting) quadrilateral whose four sides all have the same length. ( and people think this blog isn't educational...)

Many of you may remember the speech President Bush (43) gave in the early 2000's in which he referred to 3 countries in the world as the "Axis of Evil."  These were the nations he deemed most like to do harm to the United States. This past Friday night I was talking with an old friend about sports and who our favorite teams are.  Over the course of the conversation she revealed to me that she and her family pull for many of the teams that I consider to be pure evil- the Darth Vader's of the sports world.  This set to me thinking- who would make my sports version of the "Axis of Evil?"  I also threw the question out on Twitter to get a feel for how others would respond.  I quickly realized that there are 4 major sports that I really care about- College Football, College Basketball, Major League Baseball and the NFL (I don't really care about the NBA, plus LeBron James is an Axis of Evil unto himself!).  So I need more than an axis- I need a rhombus!  Four sides, and 4 teams that I wouldn't root for if they were playing the State Prison All-Stars.  Here are my choices; I cannot wait to hear yours! 

Major League Baseball:  Boston Red Sox- This is the most recent addition to my list of teams that I utterly despise! I am passionate about baseball and have been for a very long time. For the longest time there was no team I truly despised year in and year out. I grew up a huge Atlanta Braves fan and still pull for them.  And for a long time my American League team was the BoSox. One of my first memories of MLB was watching my favorite player, Carl Yaszstremski, win the triple crown and led the team on the 1967 impossible dream. I felt the pain of losing the Reds in 1975.  I lived in New England in 1986 and watched with horror as the ball rolled through Buckner's legs. The names Bucky Dent and Aaron Boone haunted me. I was really a Yankee hater until around 2005, after the Red Sox won the 2004 World Series.  Slowly but surely in the years since, both their players and fans have become increasingly obnoxious and are now worse than the Yankees. Living in Tampa and pulling for the Rays allows me the luxury of disliking both. But I can now honestly say there is no team in baseball I do not pull for against the Red Sox. They have made the list.

College Football: University of Alabama- I love college football, but except for the rare season in which my UNC Tar Heels are competitive, I have no real "favorite team."  Back in the day of the wishbone offense I loved the U. of Oklahoma; more recently I have favored the Florida Gators and right now I am in love with the offense of the Clemson Tigers. But the evil empire of college football for me has long been the Crimson Tide and that ridiculous elephant mascot.  It sounds blasphemous, but I never liked Bear Bryant. I became an Auburn fan way back during the Pat Sullivan to Terry Beasley years, and that pushed 'Bama higher up the list. And they cemented that spot for all-time when they hired Nick Saban a few years back. I don't use foul language, so I will simply say "I don't care for the man."  I also could have gone with Nebraska or most any team from the Big Ten...

NFL:  Dallas Cowboys- I grew up in NC as a Washington Redskins fan, so disliking the Cowboys came naturally.  But I didn't really start to HATE them until 1975, when they beat the Minnesota Vikings on the worst no-call on offensive pass interference in history. Roger Staubach to Drew Pearson.  It still hurts.  You have to go all the way back to Don Meredith to find a Cowboys player I really liked.  And as for Tony Romo...he has one playoff win in his career.  Just like Tim Tebow.  If the Cowboys had played the Russians during the Cold War, I would have pulled for the Russians.  I don't even dislike the Oakland Raiders quite that much.  :)

College Basketball: Duke University- Where I grew up, college basketball is not a sport, it is a religion.  You become a fan of a school early on and you are a fan for life.  I began watching ACC basketball and cheering for UNC at a very young age, in the days of Larry Miller and Charlie Scott. And I have never looked back. And so quite clearly, without any doubt, the blackest heart of any team in any sport can be found at Cameron Indoor Stadium on the campus of Dook University! Some years it is just the team that seems like pure evil. Other years evil has a specific name: Bobby Hurley, Christian Laettner, Shane (Flop) Battier, Cherokee Parks or J.J. Reddick.  I must admit that Coach K is a good man and a great coach; he is second only to Dean Smith on any legitimate list of best coaches ever in the Chapel Hill/Durham area.  :)  Nothing in sports feels better than beating Dook; nothing is worse than losing to them.  People here in Florida think that UF/Florida State is a big deal.  Others might say Michigan/Oho State is the big one.  My response to that is put both schools in same place, 8 miles apart, and then come talk to me.  UNC/Dook is the ultimate rivalry, and the Blue Devils are without question the Darth Vader/Hannibal Lechter/Lex Luthor of my sporting world.

So there you have my rhombus; who makes up yours?  Feel free to add different sports if needed.  I just want to know the teams that make your blood boil- in a bad way.  It's time to vent!

Youth Ministry Memories: Favorite Restaurants

Over the years my youth groups visited many fine restaurants- and a whole bunch of not so fine ones as well!  Each time you take a group of teenagers into a restaurant, you can see the fear on the faces of the employees and patrons.  They expect mayhem, wildness and no tips.  We always tried to surprise them and make our time there as much fun for them as it was for us.   Today I take a look back at 12 places that were favorites of various groups for a variety of reasons.  All of them share one thing in common; we were always invited back.  I had the best students anyone could ever ask for!  So here are 12 great memories:

12)  The Jade Dragon-  Located only a block from Union Church in Hinsdale, IL, this great little Chinese place was a regular stop for meetings, lunches with students and SHO-Time.  We had a great meal there one night with the gang from Spooky Tuesday and had my farewell dinner there as well.

11)  Sonic Drive-In-  In both Tampa and Waycross we used a Sonic for a summer program called Happy Hour.  I would go sit at the tables outside and spend several hours greeting students, playing cards and drinking Cherry Limeaids.  It was always a great time of relationship building, and I miss those very hot summer days!

10)  Captain John's Seafood-  I picked this fine Calabash restaurant (a favorite since my own youth group days) to represent all of the seafood restaurants we visited in the Myrtle Beach area over the years, including the all-you-can-eat places (pictured) we favored in the later years.  Special memories include Lisa Kraus Spires destroying an entire army of crab legs and the night I discovered half of the Springfield group didn't like seafood.  Not included in this list is White's Point- unless you wanted a hamburger. Right, Steve, Carl, Beth and Tammy?

  9)  The Roadhouse Grill/Rio Bravo-  These two Kissimmee restaurants were favorite SHO-Time spots, and we ate at both on many occasions.  We loved the queso at Rio and the bread and throwing peanut shells on the floor at Roadhouse, and both places knew us well.  Later on a Roadhouse in Clearwater became a favorite of the Wesley Memorial group.  None of those three restaurants are still in business.  I blame myself...

  8)  Dick's Wings-  This wonderful wing house became the home of our 5th Quarter "after football" events in Waycross, which drew big crowds of students on Friday nights.  You had to beware of Dick's Special Sauce- it was lethal!

  7)  The Beaches & Cream Soda Shoppe-  Located at Disney's Yacht and Beach Club Resort, this place serves great hamburgers and hot dogs- but no one cares!  They have some of the most amazing ice cream creations anywhere, and we visited often, as tourists from Springfield and as locals from Kissimmee and Tampa.  This was the home of the Kitchen Sink, and the much-missed Disney Dash Ice Cream Bash event.  

  6)  The Fireworks Factory-  Another out-of-business restaurant and the second in a trilogy of Disney eateries, we only had two meals there with youth groups.  The first night already received its own post, and you can read it by clicking here.  The second was the night Marilyn and I informed everyone on the Springfield Alumni Trip in December of 1994 that she was pregnant.  A very special place.

5)  The Cape May Cafe- Whether on long trips of just going over for the morning, there was no place quite like Cape May when it came to breakfast.  Both the Springfield and FUMC-K groups got to experience the wonder of this all-you-can-eat buffet that never ceases to amaze. I know of one young woman (no names, but she was dangerous with a Bible in her hands!) from the Springfield group who once ate 7 plates of food there and still loves to tell the story! Plus you got to share the meal with Admiral Goofy, Pluto, Chip and Dale! Located in Disney's Beach Club Resort, this one is still open- and I need to go soon!

4)  Lee Gardens-  Located near Wesley Memorial in Tampa, this Chinese buffet was host to us on so many occasions, and they never failed to show us a great time.  To this day when I walk in with just Marilyn they are stunned, and ask "Only 2?"  Best egg drop soup ever!

  3)  Carmine's-  This Manhattan establishment has the feel of something straight out of The Godfather.  It is a great place under any circumstance; to go there with a large group simply defies description (especially when I got to order everything in advance!).  The service, the sheer amount of food, and the desserts are all amazing.  We didn't find this place until Jill Painter's Aunt Gerry took us there in the late '90's; I didn't ever miss a chance to go there after that!

2)  Kyotos-  Many of my former students will be stunned to see this come in at #2.  After all, no place spanned as many years of my ministry as did this Japanese steakhouse.  While at Springfield, we discovered one in Greensboro, NC, and began to plan regular group events there.  It became tradition for me to take youth there to celebrate their 16th birthdays.  When we moved to Kissimmee, we discovered one in Longwood (just north of Orlando; see picture) and began regular pilgrimages, often with huge groups of teens.  Later, we discovered one in Myrtle Beach and ate there with both the Wesley Memorial (above) and FUMC-K groups.  So many stories, so many memories and so much food!  Also have to give a quick shout out to Kado Japanese in Tampa, which also hosted many a memorable meal!

  1)  Pizza Inn-  Although we ate at Kyotos many times over many years, for shear quantity nothing came close to Pizza Inn in High Point, NC.  It has so much meaning to so many people who were a part of the Springfield Friends Meeting youth ministry (see The Ministry of Pizza Inn), partly because at least a portion of us ate there every week- at least once a week!   No other restaurant ever had as much impact on my ministry, and we had a pretty major impact on them as well.  Congrats, Pizza Inn- you are still #1!!!

So there it is- I would love to hear your thoughts on oversights and omissions from this list.  My groups may not have done everything right, but as you can tell- we never missed a meal!  See you tomorrow!

Because of Jesus,

The Politics of Flip & Flop

As we enter the home stretch of the 2012 election cycle, I am sure many of you are growing as weary as I am of the constant yammering of candidates and (perhaps even more annoyingly) the people who support them.  So as a public service to you, my loyal readers, I would like to sum up everything you are likely to hear between now and November.  This will hold true for most local and national elections. Trust me. Here we go.  The ideology of the colors are intentionally mixed up- much like the politicians themselves. 

Red Candidates:  My fellow Americans, FLIP. FLIP, FLIP...FLIP FLIP FLIP!!!  I cannot stress how important this is- FLIP.  My opponent will tell you that FLOP is the way. FLOP was an idea given to that party by someone....oh I don't know who it could have been...maybe...SATAN???  Only FLIP can save us now!

Blue Candidates:  FLOP. I have always said FLOP.  FLIP is socialism, communism and vegetarianism rolled into one evil policy.  There is some evidence it can even turn us all into Dallas Cowboys fans! So FLOP, FLOP, FLOP!!!!!  And God bless America!!!

Red Supporters:  There is only one answer, and that answer is FLIP!!!  Our candidate understands the needs of the people, and everything he/she says is the absolute truth and the ONLY way to save our nation/state/town.  The other candidate says FLOP.  Geez what an idiot! Plus they listen to rap music!

Blue Supporters:  4 years ago they promised us that FLIP would save the planet,  make us rich and make Keeping Up With the Kardashians watchable. It was all a lie!!!  FLIP failed before, it will fail again!  FLOP! FLOP! FLOP!  And also, he once killed a baby seal.  

And there you have it.  The candidates will not say much, and their supporters will declare them geniuses for this lame rhetoric. But mostly, they will spend more time telling you what the other side will do wrong than what they will do right- because they have so little idea of what they are actually doing to do!  So for the next 6 weeks or so keep the mute button handy, limit your social media time, and watch a lot of ESPN. Should we seek to be an informed electorate? Absolutely.  But that is really tricky without informed candidates. So make your decision, and by all means get out and vote.  Talk about the issues and explore opposing viewpoints. Talk about the qualifications, experience and positive traits of the candidates you support. And if you feel the need to speak ill of their opponents, remember you have an option.  If you can't say something nice, the very least you can do is to SHUT UP!  Have a great Saturday.

The Truth About Barbecue

Last week I wrote on a couple of occasions about the RNC being in my current home of Tampa.  This week the DNC is in my long-time home of North Carolina, so I again feel a connection.  I never lived in Charlotte; in fact growing up in Greensboro often led to "Charlotte Envy" because they were NC's big city, complete with a theme park! 
But it is in my home state.  On Tuesday night, The Daily Show introduced viewers to Charlotte in their inimitable way, including pointing out how proud Carolinians are of their barbecue.  As they reported this fact, their correspondent said how yummy it was and then held up some ribs for all to see.  For me, this was the last straw in a long-simmering mind melt that began in 1994 when I moved to Florida.  And it led directly to this rant...

Why would these kind words about NC barbecue and the showing of some ribs make my head explode?  It's very simple, and I am going to explain this in a language that people from Texas, Memphis, Kansas City and Burger King can understand.  Most of this fine nation (and The Daily Show) is operating under the false understanding that barbecue is a verb.  To these confused folks, "barbecuing" is something that can be done to most anything so long as you throw it on a grill.  It may or may not involve actual barbecue sauce.  It might be hamburger, fish, steak or ribs.  As anyone who is a native of NC or has spent significant time there can tell you, this is just wrong.  Barbecue is not a verb.  The verb for such activity is grilling. Barbecue is a NOUN.  It is what many of you call "pulled pork"- a term which makes my skin crawl.  I can get pulled pork all over Florida (sorry Sonny's, Jimbo's, Smokey Bones and even Fat Boys in Kissimmee) and trust me, I have tried it all!  None of it is close to real barbecue. Barbecue is pork (and nothing else) pulled (never cut) from a pig that has been roasted over an open wood fire for many hours.  It is then often chopped into even smaller pieces for consumption.  A mustard-based (if it's red, something is terribly wrong!) barbecue sauce is then generally added before it even hits your plate or your sandwich.  You can ad more if you like. This is barbecue. Not ribs, not anything else.  I hope I am making myself clear.

But that is not all.  As you can see in the picture above, there are certain things that MUST be served with real barbecue.  There are no exceptions.  Whether on a plate or a sandwich, it has to be paired with a vinegar-based slaw peculiar to restaurants in NC & SC.  And there must be- I cannot emphasize this enough- there must be hushpuppies.  Fried corn meal, for those of you who don't speak southern.  All the best barbecue restaurants (like Stamey's in my old stomping grounds of Greensboro, Kepley's in High Point, the famous Lexington Barbecue or any number of other great little independent place all over the state) will serve you a platter just like that.  You are welcome to add fries, but it is really not necessary.  :)  Then you wash it all down with SweetTea (any good southerner knows that is all one word) or a Cheerwine (bottled in Salisbury, NC).  Prefer a diet drink? Then what are you doing in a barbecue restaurant?!?!

Many states claim to have the best barbecue.  The truth of the matter is very few places actually have barbecue at all.  Want to know if your town has real barbecue?  Here the litmus test- does any menu in town offer a Barbecue Sandwich? If not, then you don't have the real deal!   I offer my hearty congratulations to the rest of you on your expertise in using a grill.  It is something to be celebrated. But as you may have noticed, there is no grill used in the preparation of real barbecue.  So let's get our language straight.  Quit using this noun as a verb.  And bow down to the one, the only, the real...NC barbecue.  Do you hear me, Jon Stewart?  I feel much better now...

Let the debate begin!!!