I grew up in North Carolina, but for the most part I was a city boy. I never farmed tobacco or cotton, never raised chickens and almost never went hunting. For a few Thanksgiving mornings my Dad and I would go squirrel hunting in the woods down around Coleridge in rural Randolph County- with a bow and arrow. Since neither of us were very accomplished bowmen, those squirrels were the safest animals in the woods. Neither of us never owned a gun in our lives, so that was the only hunting we ever did. Until...
Sometime in the late 70s or early 80s a group of my friends discovered SPAM hunting. This was before junk email became spam, back when SPAM was SPAM- processed meat in a can that could be fried, covered in barbecue sauce or eaten straight from the can. We always wondered where you mild find the wild SPAM animals that made up this glorious food, so one weekend we decided to go SPAM hunting. Alan (The Flash) Brown had access to a large wooded area (again in Randolph County) and some guns, and a group of us decided to try our hand at hunting the wild beasts. Seeing (of course) as there is no such thing as a SPAM animal, we decided to create our own. We hung targets from trees and placed them in bushes. But these were no ordinary targets. We used old 8-track tapes and albums that we truly hated, as well as old ceramics from our days at Quaker Lake Camp. I specifically remember a LaBelle album and a Roberta Flack 8-track that were blown to pieces. At one point we also hunted leftover Halloween jack-o-lanterns. Whatever we shot at, when we managed to hit them with Alan's 22 rifle or his shotguns, we blew the things to bits. SPAM was flying everywhere, and we loved it! We did this on several occasions over the years, and never once was an actual SPAM (or anything else!) harmed as we hunted together. Those were some great times.
Over the years SPAM continued to play an important role in my life. One of the youth ministries I served had a food drive for the homeless in which we collected around 700 cans of SPAM to distribute. I gave away SPAM as a door prize on occasion at youth group. And in 2002 a mission team from our ministry at Wesley Memorial UMC worked in Washington, DC, as part of the Center for Student Missions. One of the summer inters that year was a young man named Justin Hormel. That's right- Hormel. His forefathers were the inventors of SPAM. He even had a SPAM t-shirt. Life has a way of coming full circle, huh?
So why am I sharing all of this today? Am I the new spokesperson for SPAM, or am I just completely out of things to write about? Or maybe it is just that guns have been on my mind lately, and I am putting off writing the serious post that needs to be written. Whatever the case, I encourage you to pick up some SPAM. Fry it up and slap it on a sandwich. Only then can you you really appreciate why we wanted to shoot the little critters. And never another living thing...
Because of Jesus,
Last week I wrote on a couple of occasions about the RNC being in my current home of Tampa. This week the DNC is in my long-time home of North Carolina, so I again feel a connection. I never lived in Charlotte; in fact growing up in Greensboro often led to "Charlotte Envy" because they were NC's big city, complete with a theme park!
But it is in my home state. On Tuesday night, The Daily Show introduced viewers to Charlotte in their inimitable way, including pointing out how proud Carolinians are of their barbecue. As they reported this fact, their correspondent said how yummy it was and then held up some ribs for all to see. For me, this was the last straw in a long-simmering mind melt that began in 1994 when I moved to Florida. And it led directly to this rant...
Why would these kind words about NC barbecue and the showing of some ribs make my head explode? It's very simple, and I am going to explain this in a language that people from Texas, Memphis, Kansas City and Burger King can understand. Most of this fine nation (and The Daily Show) is operating under the false understanding that barbecue is a verb. To these confused folks, "barbecuing" is something that can be done to most anything so long as you throw it on a grill. It may or may not involve actual barbecue sauce. It might be hamburger, fish, steak or ribs. As anyone who is a native of NC or has spent significant time there can tell you, this is just wrong. Barbecue is not a verb. The verb for such activity is grilling. Barbecue is a NOUN. It is what many of you call "pulled pork"- a term which makes my skin crawl. I can get pulled pork all over Florida (sorry Sonny's, Jimbo's, Smokey Bones and even Fat Boys in Kissimmee) and trust me, I have tried it all! None of it is close to real barbecue. Barbecue is pork (and nothing else) pulled (never cut) from a pig that has been roasted over an open wood fire for many hours. It is then often chopped into even smaller pieces for consumption. A mustard-based (if it's red, something is terribly wrong!) barbecue sauce is then generally added before it even hits your plate or your sandwich. You can ad more if you like. This is barbecue. Not ribs, not anything else. I hope I am making myself clear.
But that is not all. As you can see in the picture above, there are certain things that MUST be served with real barbecue. There are no exceptions. Whether on a plate or a sandwich, it has to be paired with a vinegar-based slaw peculiar to restaurants in NC & SC. And there must be- I cannot emphasize this enough- there must be hushpuppies. Fried corn meal, for those of you who don't speak southern. All the best barbecue restaurants (like Stamey's in my old stomping grounds of Greensboro, Kepley's in High Point, the famous Lexington Barbecue or any number of other great little independent place all over the state) will serve you a platter just like that. You are welcome to add fries, but it is really not necessary. :) Then you wash it all down with SweetTea (any good southerner knows that is all one word) or a Cheerwine (bottled in Salisbury, NC). Prefer a diet drink? Then what are you doing in a barbecue restaurant?!?!
Many states claim to have the best barbecue. The truth of the matter is very few places actually have barbecue at all. Want to know if your town has real barbecue? Here the litmus test- does any menu in town offer a Barbecue Sandwich? If not, then you don't have the real deal! I offer my hearty congratulations to the rest of you on your expertise in using a grill. It is something to be celebrated. But as you may have noticed, there is no grill used in the preparation of real barbecue. So let's get our language straight. Quit using this noun as a verb. And bow down to the one, the only, the real...NC barbecue. Do you hear me, Jon Stewart? I feel much better now...
Let the debate begin!!!
